For a while now, I've started to feel like I'm missing something. Actually, I've felt like I've opened up my eyes and found that I don't have something that I thought I did. My faith in friends and people in general have been sort of rocked. It's almost like I need something to renew my faith. My thoughts are a bit jumbled, so this probably won't flow correctly....
As much as I joke with my friends that I'm an asshole, I feel like I'm 50/50. I can be a nice guy, to the point of being overly nice. But then, set me off, I'm a complete asshole. The worst part, is my friends kind of only acknowledge the asshole in me. Even the closest. And it sort of hurts.
No. I can be honest here. It really does hurt.
There are times that I put myself out there and it's like I'm taken for granted. But when another friend does something suitably noticeable, it's a huge deal. I'd like to think I'm not the type to seek recognition. But maybe I do really want it. Maybe I want them to just say, "Hey, I appreciate you going out of your way. Those little things you do... Thanks."
I'd like to think I take care of my friends. I put myself out there. I can't remember the last time one has done the same for me. And that hurts. It's the little things. I know someone from the outside would say I'm reading too much into things. But when each grain of sand, turns out to be a huge anthill, you have to acknowledge it.
Example? A couple weeks ago, my buddy's chain kept coming off on his beach cruiser. While everyone else kept going, I stayed with him, all the way down to the pier. And that pretty much sets the tone all the time. If someone is lagging behind (both beach cruising or mountain biking) and nobody is there with them, I hang back and make sure I keep them company. The past two weeks? If I ever fell behind, I was left behind. They didn't even notice I wasn't around (but they'd notice when someone else fell behind).
That's the sort of things I've been dealing with now.
I understand that I can't just automatically be a part of a clique when you're the outsider. It's just disheartening to be, quite honestly, considered an afterthought or a throwaway, when in the same situation, I try to include everyone.
So when, privately in my mind, I pout like a elementary school kid who didn't get asked to be on a team for kickball, am I being a douche? Am I being overly sensitive?
I've always been the type of person to put in more into a relationship or friendship more than the other person. I know that opens me up to being disappointed and fucked over. But it's almost as if I'm expected to be taken advantage of and I'm an asshole if I don't want that to happen.
Another frustration is girls... As always. I meet these great women. And they're all out of my league. Just recently, I met two that I've been interested in. One, my buddy's cousin's best friend is really cute. She's nice and seems pretty cool. I don't know her, so I'm not so upset about her not being in my league. But I AM upset that she's out of my league.
Confused? Let me explain. I'm bummed that there are "leagues". I'm bummed that I'm not a certain height, weight, "type"... I'm bummed that I'm already dismissed without even a slight chance.
The other girl... She's so cool. I finally got to really talk to her recently. Last night, she stayed over at my place (irrelevant story) and we stayed up talking. She was drunk, but I still had a great time talking to her. But I could tell she was not attracted in me whatsoever.
The best part? Both of these girls are attracted to my friend. The one girl from last night was practically gushing about how nice he is. I don't dispute that at all. He's a REALLY nice guy.
But, it sort of bothers me that it's almost like I'm not afforded the same consideration because I'm not attractive enough. Perhaps all the little things I did, that I didn't try and make obvious isn't enough. I made sure I put myself between her and a couple of guys who might have tried to grab her ass at a bar. But when my buddy says he'll kick a guy's ass for that, it's a huge thing.
I understand where she's coming from. But how am I always considered the asshole?! It's almost as if I'm a douche and left out. I don't want to demean anything my friends do. But I'd just like a little parity, sometimes.
You know what else? I hate that I'm bothered by all of this. I'm not sure why I'm so butt-hurt. I should just be myself and say fuck'm. But I am.
There are times I feel so alone. I used to have friends that I'd talk to all the time. Now, I don't have anyone, really. My roommate is distant. My buddy is always socializing with others (and he invites me sometimes, so that's nice. I guess I can't complain too much there). And I'm not the type of guy that goes out to a bar to drink for no reason (what I mean is that it seems like we could drink in a more comfortable and easier to manage settings... like our homes. I understand getting out to get change in scenery... but if you're not going to meet anyone, why spend that much money on alcohol and have to try and yell over music and crowd noise?).
I don't really have anyone to talk to. I don't have anyone to vent to. Hell, I'm often ignored by my "internet friends". It's that deep.
I'm frustrated and lonely. I'm not often this pathetic (only in satire and comedy). But I'm honestly feeling bummed. That's why I need this blog. I need to write it out, since I can't talk to someone about it. I need to get it out SOMEHOW.
I need to work on myself. I almost want to move away and get myself together. I'm a mess.
