It's been a rough time, lately. But then, I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm THAT guy. That guy that's always bummed out on himself because SOMETHING is always going wrong. I've taken stock of the past 3 years and I'm bummed out ALL the time. Okay, no, not ALL the time. But a good portion of it.
I think it's a factor of many things. At the macro-level, it's two big things. Its bad situations that ARE bad. Then there's me… Is it that somewhere deep down, I want drama? Because it sure fucking seems that way.
There's so many things in the past year that really got to me. In a general sense, my definition of friendship has been rocked. Little things like not being invited to shindigs a lot of times, yet being imposed on for others or the needs of others.
And then there's the Big 2. I'm going to gloss over the details. But to be honest, they've almost crippled me.
First: Tenacious D (my nickname for my friend… trying to keep this somewhat anonymous for my friends)
I honestly think I became close to Tenacious D for the simple fact that she was going through some stuff with some other friends and I was someone that knew the situation, but wasn't too deeply involved. So there was that level of detachment that a confidant can sometimes have. For about a month, we had LONG talks into the night. And I loved it. It was almost like someone wanted to talk to me and get to know me. Even if it was focused on some of the drama, it was almost like I had a friend I could get close to again.
She got her friends back and it tapered off. I knew that would happen. But then I made the mistake of sending her something that she misinterpreted. And that freaked her out. I have some issues with that, itself. But that's another post… Anyway, after that, EVERYTHING changed. Many bad things happened that I'm not going to go into. Suffice to say that, to this day, we disagree on. But, for MONTHS, I lived not knowing what the fuck happened. Only that my friend that I FINALLY felt comfortable with, turned her back on me. Literally, she told me in a heartfelt way, "You'll always be my friend. You've been amazing. I'll ALWAYS be there for you."
Literally, within 7 days, I got the serious cold shoulder.
I now know why. But that pain doesn't just go away. And I can't really address it. I can't have closure, because she wants to just go forward and not look back. But it's hard. It's almost like an open wound that I can't stop and bandage. I don't want to open up the wound more, but I at least want to acknowledge it and bandage it.
For a long time, I didn't let anyone in, because I kept getting disappointed. Over and over, friends would fuck me over. But I let her in. No, I didn't tell her everything. Nor was I particularly unguarded. But, I opened my heard to the possibility of a friend that I could trust.
It hurt. The circumstances and the misunderstandings, in hindsight, are understandable. I don't want to relive or place the blame. But the pain is real.
I will say, though, that she was there for me when no one else was. More on that later.
Second: Spooky (her nickname from the past, I think)
I first met Spooky on a Vegas trip when she was invited by Tenacious D. And it was so refreshing from the beginning. We got along famously, due to her knowning ALL the music I love. She, like me, lives and breathes music. After that Vegas trip, we didn't hang out a ton until around fall. Then, we went to quite a few concerts together. And then we started hanging out a lot. It was never anything more than platonic, to be clear. She was there for me when I was upset about my situation with Tenacious D.
But, deep down, I started to really like her. At first, I'd ignore it and push it down really deep. Sometime around Thanksgiving, I started to clam up a little, because I didn't want her to know. I didn't want to lose someone as awesome as she was. I mean, we were good friends. For the first time in a very long time, my insecurities didn't come out. When she wanted to hang out, I felt that she wanted to hang out with ME. Not because she was bored or because she wanted to use me for something. Because she enjoyed spending time with me. I haven't felt like that in a long time.
But then I started to notice things… I'd love to just watch her sing almost dance in her seat in the car. I loved watching her at concerts, seeing her bask in the music she loved and that little smirk she'd have that was almost the epitome of contentment and bliss. I could just sit next to her and feel so comfortable, it'd make my day.
I feel for her. HARD.
She didn't feel the same way and I knew it. We never had to talk about it. I knew I had to stop being around her, otherwise things would get bad. Knowing her, she'd not want to talk about the guy she was starting to date. And what kind of friend would I be for causing that? Or she'd not attend activities our group would have because she didn't want to make things worse for me for having feelings for her (and it happened a couple times, I later found out).
It would only get worse.
That wasn't fair to her. Or me. It was maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. And, I hate myself for it. She's so fucking important to me. I haven't felt like that in a friend before. Yeah, I didn't show it outside, because I was too busy trying to squeeze up my walls so I wouldn't betray my feelings for her. But I can't describe how awesome it felt to have her as my friend.
And how I felt for her… It's almost scary to realize that I felt more strongly for her than any other girl I've known. AND I WASN'T EVEN WITH HER!
I could go on and on about her. But what's the point? I hurt her by taking her friend away from her. I feel horrible about it. The weeks leading up to everything, I couldn't eat or sleep. I thought that after that, I'd mourn and then mope around for a while, but I'd slowly go back to normal with some heartache to accompany it all. But that didn't happen. It hurts. It hurts to think. I still can't eat or sleep.
I walk around my friends like I'm okay, because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable being around the depressed guy. Not to mention, I doubt they'd want to hear me moan and groan.
The one silver lining? Tenacious D has been there. Sure, she's been going through her own stuff. But at least last week she wanted to hang out. I suspect it was mostly because there wasn't any activities or nights out planned, or her other friends didn't have anything going on. But at least she didn't freak out around me, like the past. I'm okay with being a situational/stand-by friend. It's better than nothing.
But that brings up Number Three: When do you cut and run?
Because of all the drama, I've concluded one thing: I'm horrible with friends. I value friends to no end. THEY ARE MY FAMILY. I really have none to speak of, save a tenuous relationship with my sister and my nephews. So my friends are my family. But I think I hold on so tight, they can't wait to get away from me.
I've been told I smother. That's sad, since I don't smother due to romance. But just simple friendship. It's borne out of love and a desire to be a nice guy. But it's a poison that drives all away.
I've been told I have an extreme view of friendship that's too intense. I'd do anything for my friends. But that attitude seems to turn them off.
And so, that tells me that I just can't have friends. Even if it weren't for that, I keep losing friends because of… well, everything. With Tenacious D, no matter what I did, she'd treat me like shit when she was drunk and then tell me what she didn't like that I was doing. With Spooky, my feelings cut my legs out from under me. With my old friend Lindsay, it was because I wasn't of a certain station with her rich boyfriend's friends.
It doesn't matter WHY, anymore. It is what it is.
I'm just not cut out for having friends anymore. So I need to start distancing myself, so that I can slip away. Some of them would go for a couple months without noticing (because it's happened, often enough).
