Wow, it's been a while...

As I wait for my salmon to broil, I offer this up: yeah, people can put you down. But sometimes, that's good for you.

Use it.

Use it to scoff when you're not good enough for them. Use it to fuel your workout. Use it to fuel your ambition. Use it to LEARN. Use it to understand why it's GOOD that they think of you like that, because you deserve better.

You may view me as pathetic or hard-up. Thanks. Keep it coming. It'll only help me.

Hidden Away

I’ve been in a pissy mood and I don’t know why
No, I don’t want to slash my wrists or even cry
I scream at stupid drivers and run’em off the road
Make stupid girls shut up and choke on a load
I’m just so sick of how everything must look
Or what fucking new supplement you took

But I think it’s all because I’m jealous and hateful
I’m not attractive or appealing
Not powerful or graceful

I pretend I’m PG13 and nice
But really, I have many a vice
I have a dirty and kinky mind of my own
I like to make a girl pant, scream and moan
I’m just like any other guy
Why hide it? Why try?

A façade of good and truth is what I show
What I am truly like inside,
You’ll never know




That was shitty, I know. I’m just frustrated, deep-down. I have a good job and I have fun. But I have to admit, deep down, I’m frustrated. I want some intimacy. Doesn’t need to be sexual (although, ideal). But SOMETHING. A girlfriend, a friend with benefits, a good friend… SOMETHING.

I'm in no position to judge, but if some of the truly vile and unattractive guys I've seen (both physically and mentally) can land a girl, why can't I?

I'm a truly personality-driven guy. Yes, physical beauty is key. But if a girl's mind is attractive, that makes her physically hot to me, too.

And yet, I can't find a girl that won't get over some physical feature that is on her "must-have" list. The best thing? They're fucking hypocrites about that shit.

FUCK YOU.

It’s NOT a Fucking Club!

What's with me lately?  I've been so full of anger and annoyance to the general public.  Hell, even with my "friends". 

Seems like only a few people don't get on my nerves easily.  Ironically, they're mostly my coworkers.  I get along with them VERY well.  Oh, can't forget a random girl on the internet that I don't even really know, yet "talk" on the phone, text or IM at night.  Pretty sad, huh?

Example?

Well, today, I was buying a new shirt for work (my current supply is getting a bit threadbare) and the cashier was Filipino.  And I KNEW it was coming.  And, like 99.9995% of the time, she didn't disappoint.  Immediately, she asked, "Are you Filipino?"  Although, Filipino was pronounce in the typical heavily accented way: Pbill-a-pbino.  Apparently P's give them a hard time and they have to pronounce it in a hybrid P and B smashed together.

I have to admit, somewhere, deep down inside, remains the racist guy.  Racist against "my own kind".  I used to be so anti-Asian and Pacific Islander due to the way you were "expected" to act and be interested in.  Just like a Mexican or Black person.  So I was as "White" as possible.

Now, I'm over that.  I just get annoyed when people expect me to act a certain way or do the prejudiced thing.  Like, I MUST know hip-hop music or drive a rice rocket. 

And I'm sorry, I have problems understanding really heavy and thick accents.  Especially if you're a 2nd or 3rd generation citizen.  I'm fine with you conversing in another language.  Hell, be proud to have some other culture and heritage.  But don't limit yourself.  I honestly believe (misguided as you may think) that Asians with heavy accents (who are 3rd generation) signifies that they were raised with only other Asians and their lives revolve around that culture.  It's not even an Asian-American culture.  It's a bastardized Asian culture.  As if, they were transplanted and have to make due with their situation. 

Anyway, the cashier at Macy's asked me if I was Filipino.  What, is it a FUCKING CLUB?  Is Macy's running a Filipino Fifty, where they get 50% off?  And here's the thing, most of the time, it's not going to result in anything.  They're not going to slip you a discount or anything.  They just want to know. 

If you say you are, they give you a knowing smile and nod.  Like you've been elevated in their eyes, suddenly. Can you imagine a White person doing that?  Lawsuit for racism.

Fuck that. 

So I did what I used to always do.  I said, "No." 

She asked, "Oh, what are you?"  Apparently she didn't believe me. 

"I'm American."

"No, what nationality, are you?"

"American," I answered in clipped tones.

"You look Asian."

Like the asshole I can be, I said, "I'm sure I do.  But I'm an American citizen."

She, in a little bit of heat, said, "No, where you were born."

Truthfully, I said, "In A-mer-i-ca."

And, to piss her off, I added, "If you're asking me about my biological ancestry or biological nationality is, I'm Japanese, Vietnamese and Hawaiian."  (I threw in the biological nationality, because I'm fully aware that by some definitions, Nationality is "from a common place of origin.").

So, she said in a pissed off voice (accented, of course), "Why you so difficult?"

So, again, loving my asshole-ness, I replied in a dead calm voice, "Because it's none of your business what the hell I am.  Does my biological makeup make a difference in the type of service I get?  Are you going to ring me up faster?  This whole time we could've finished this transaction, anyway.  But, if I'm being too difficult, I can talk to a manager or supervisor and see what they think.  And if they ask me my ancestry, I'll tell them the same thing and ask them why it's relevent."

She was silent after that. 

The best thing, was that hot woman behind me had a smirk on her face when I turned to leave.  Later, I saw her in the mall and she and I laughed about it.  Had a good conversation about it, too.  I explained why I was such a dick and she was fascinated at my proclimation that fully 90% of Filipinos will ask someone they think is Filipino if they are one within 5 minutes of a conversation (and 95% of that group, 99% of them will ask it in the first or second sentence).

Anyway, shit like that irritates the FUCK out of me. 

I get irritated when cashiers at the grocery store pay more attention to chatting with their coworkers than fucking ringing me up.  If the line is waiting for more than 30 seconds so you can finish your thought to your coworker before you can even pick up the next product to scan, I authorize you to take a shotgun to the mouth and pull the fucking trigger. 

I get irritated when people have a warped sense of reality and everything is a conspiracy.  When someone says one thing and they make it completely something different in their minds.

There's so much more...

FUCK.  I'm so annoyed with shit, lately.  Grrr.