Like I often do, I turn to blogging when I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. Okay, let’s be honest, I’m not just out of sorts. I’m having full-blown issues. On a side note, I hate that I come across as always depressed and pessimistic. I come across as overly negative. The problem is that I use places like twitter and blogs as outlets to my frustrations. They are not representative of me ALL THE TIME.
Anyway… My main issue right now is that I’m having issues with the one friend that I really value. In a relatively short time period, she’s become someone I truly care about. She’s smart, funny (dear lord, is she funny!) and a caring person. Part of me hates her seeing me like this. I wish I’d met her when I was always happy and social. Now, she’s helping me through some rough emotions. First, I helped her (at least, I’d like to think I TRIED helping her) through her own issues. She’s returning the favor.
The problem I have is that I feel uncomfortable around her. I probably got too relaxed around her. I’m a touchy-feeling sort of guy. And, I don’t always say the right things. So I’ve done and said some things she doesn’t really like. They’re probably things that she doesn’t really think about more than 2 seconds after I’ve done/said it. But I’ve done them with just enough frequency for me to start getting scared of it. I can’t afford to have her annoyed or irritated by it. I would hate to have her second guessing talking to me or hanging out with me because I make her uncomfortable.
You know what, though? She’s been disputing it all and has been trying to talk to me. It seriously brings me to tears. It’s been so long since I’ve had a friend that’s cared enough to put any effort into me. I mean, she made the point that some people don’t want to deal with drama, so they just walk away until it blows over. My contention is that most of my “friends” just don’t care enough to get to the point of noticing.
This verse from "This Celluloid Dream" (AFI) used to really resonate with me:
To the lovely dancing lights, I begged, "May I cut in?"
But they never stopped playing "their song"
Of a joyous song they sing, I've heard whispers
On a freezing note, I resonate
You see, it’s a circle that starts with me. I’m insecure in my “place” in the group dynamics. Everyone has their “special friend” that they talk to or hang out with the most in a group. I don’t have anyone, really. So I don’t know how to bull my way in and get into a conversation. I feel awkward. So I stand there. And it makes me feel awkward, undesirable and uninteresting (on a side note, I truly am uninteresting… I have NOTHING to talk about, usually). So then, I feel closed off and isolated. So then that makes me undesirable. And then I feel even more like the odd man out. And it keeps going and going. Yes, I understand that I need to work on that.
I get upset, because when I do something for a friend, it’s almost like it’s either expected or barely acknowledged. I don’t need someone to throw up streamers and blow a horn to tell me thank you. But when someone else does the same thing, they’re praised to others and a big deal is made. Am I just not good enough in my efforts?
The worst part? I’m 29, soon to be 30 within the next two months. I’ve totally gone back to being insecure like I was when I was in high school, half my lifetime ago. Glad to see I’ve come so far, huh? Speaking of which, that brings up another thing… I secretly hate that I keep my birthday a secret. There have been far too many times where nobody has thought of it or said anything. So I prefer to not let anyone know. I don’t expect any birthday wishes, but I also hate it when I see a huge fuss made over another friend, but I don’t get a text or phone call. I hate inviting people, but for only my girlfriend to show up. Now, I don’t even have a girlfriend there for me.
One of the things that kinda hit home last night, when Sarah and I were talking was that she mentioned that I was being needy. She used an analogy with a friend, so she wasn’t directly saying it, but I can read between the lines.
And she’s right. That kills me to say it.
Right now, I AM needy. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of faith in those deep and close friendships. There will always be a time when you’re thrown aside for something new. But you also know if they’ll be back or within sight. As long as these “new” friends are around, I’ll be left in the dust.
I just need some sort of sign to renew my faith in friendships. I need some reassurance that to someone that I’m close with, I’m still relevant in their lives.
Actually, maybe I’ve figured it out, just now. I’m usually the guy in the background. I’m usually taking care of my friends. Maybe, I’m just going through a phase where I’m tired of being stepped on and ignored.
Maybe I want to be seen.
Maybe I want to feel special.
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