When you realize it’s all you…

It's been a rough time, lately. But then, I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm THAT guy. That guy that's always bummed out on himself because SOMETHING is always going wrong. I've taken stock of the past 3 years and I'm bummed out ALL the time. Okay, no, not ALL the time. But a good portion of it.

I think it's a factor of many things. At the macro-level, it's two big things. Its bad situations that ARE bad. Then there's me… Is it that somewhere deep down, I want drama? Because it sure fucking seems that way.

There's so many things in the past year that really got to me. In a general sense, my definition of friendship has been rocked. Little things like not being invited to shindigs a lot of times, yet being imposed on for others or the needs of others.

And then there's the Big 2. I'm going to gloss over the details. But to be honest, they've almost crippled me.

First: Tenacious D (my nickname for my friend… trying to keep this somewhat anonymous for my friends)

I honestly think I became close to Tenacious D for the simple fact that she was going through some stuff with some other friends and I was someone that knew the situation, but wasn't too deeply involved. So there was that level of detachment that a confidant can sometimes have. For about a month, we had LONG talks into the night. And I loved it. It was almost like someone wanted to talk to me and get to know me. Even if it was focused on some of the drama, it was almost like I had a friend I could get close to again.

She got her friends back and it tapered off. I knew that would happen. But then I made the mistake of sending her something that she misinterpreted. And that freaked her out. I have some issues with that, itself. But that's another post… Anyway, after that, EVERYTHING changed. Many bad things happened that I'm not going to go into. Suffice to say that, to this day, we disagree on. But, for MONTHS, I lived not knowing what the fuck happened. Only that my friend that I FINALLY felt comfortable with, turned her back on me. Literally, she told me in a heartfelt way, "You'll always be my friend. You've been amazing. I'll ALWAYS be there for you."

Literally, within 7 days, I got the serious cold shoulder.

I now know why. But that pain doesn't just go away. And I can't really address it. I can't have closure, because she wants to just go forward and not look back. But it's hard. It's almost like an open wound that I can't stop and bandage. I don't want to open up the wound more, but I at least want to acknowledge it and bandage it.

For a long time, I didn't let anyone in, because I kept getting disappointed. Over and over, friends would fuck me over. But I let her in. No, I didn't tell her everything. Nor was I particularly unguarded. But, I opened my heard to the possibility of a friend that I could trust.

It hurt. The circumstances and the misunderstandings, in hindsight, are understandable. I don't want to relive or place the blame. But the pain is real.

I will say, though, that she was there for me when no one else was. More on that later.

 

Second: Spooky (her nickname from the past, I think)

I first met Spooky on a Vegas trip when she was invited by Tenacious D. And it was so refreshing from the beginning. We got along famously, due to her knowning ALL the music I love. She, like me, lives and breathes music. After that Vegas trip, we didn't hang out a ton until around fall. Then, we went to quite a few concerts together. And then we started hanging out a lot. It was never anything more than platonic, to be clear. She was there for me when I was upset about my situation with Tenacious D.

But, deep down, I started to really like her. At first, I'd ignore it and push it down really deep. Sometime around Thanksgiving, I started to clam up a little, because I didn't want her to know. I didn't want to lose someone as awesome as she was. I mean, we were good friends. For the first time in a very long time, my insecurities didn't come out. When she wanted to hang out, I felt that she wanted to hang out with ME. Not because she was bored or because she wanted to use me for something. Because she enjoyed spending time with me. I haven't felt like that in a long time.

But then I started to notice things… I'd love to just watch her sing almost dance in her seat in the car. I loved watching her at concerts, seeing her bask in the music she loved and that little smirk she'd have that was almost the epitome of contentment and bliss. I could just sit next to her and feel so comfortable, it'd make my day.

I feel for her. HARD.

She didn't feel the same way and I knew it. We never had to talk about it. I knew I had to stop being around her, otherwise things would get bad. Knowing her, she'd not want to talk about the guy she was starting to date. And what kind of friend would I be for causing that? Or she'd not attend activities our group would have because she didn't want to make things worse for me for having feelings for her (and it happened a couple times, I later found out).

It would only get worse.

That wasn't fair to her. Or me. It was maybe the hardest thing I've ever done. And, I hate myself for it. She's so fucking important to me. I haven't felt like that in a friend before. Yeah, I didn't show it outside, because I was too busy trying to squeeze up my walls so I wouldn't betray my feelings for her. But I can't describe how awesome it felt to have her as my friend.

And how I felt for her… It's almost scary to realize that I felt more strongly for her than any other girl I've known. AND I WASN'T EVEN WITH HER!

I could go on and on about her. But what's the point? I hurt her by taking her friend away from her. I feel horrible about it. The weeks leading up to everything, I couldn't eat or sleep. I thought that after that, I'd mourn and then mope around for a while, but I'd slowly go back to normal with some heartache to accompany it all. But that didn't happen. It hurts. It hurts to think. I still can't eat or sleep.

I walk around my friends like I'm okay, because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable being around the depressed guy. Not to mention, I doubt they'd want to hear me moan and groan.

The one silver lining? Tenacious D has been there. Sure, she's been going through her own stuff. But at least last week she wanted to hang out. I suspect it was mostly because there wasn't any activities or nights out planned, or her other friends didn't have anything going on. But at least she didn't freak out around me, like the past. I'm okay with being a situational/stand-by friend. It's better than nothing.

 

But that brings up Number Three: When do you cut and run?

Because of all the drama, I've concluded one thing: I'm horrible with friends. I value friends to no end. THEY ARE MY FAMILY. I really have none to speak of, save a tenuous relationship with my sister and my nephews. So my friends are my family. But I think I hold on so tight, they can't wait to get away from me.

I've been told I smother. That's sad, since I don't smother due to romance. But just simple friendship. It's borne out of love and a desire to be a nice guy. But it's a poison that drives all away.

I've been told I have an extreme view of friendship that's too intense. I'd do anything for my friends. But that attitude seems to turn them off.

And so, that tells me that I just can't have friends. Even if it weren't for that, I keep losing friends because of… well, everything. With Tenacious D, no matter what I did, she'd treat me like shit when she was drunk and then tell me what she didn't like that I was doing. With Spooky, my feelings cut my legs out from under me. With my old friend Lindsay, it was because I wasn't of a certain station with her rich boyfriend's friends.

It doesn't matter WHY, anymore. It is what it is.

I'm just not cut out for having friends anymore. So I need to start distancing myself, so that I can slip away. Some of them would go for a couple months without noticing (because it's happened, often enough).

Issues, always issues with me.

Like I often do, I turn to blogging when I’m feeling a bit out of sorts. Okay, let’s be honest, I’m not just out of sorts. I’m having full-blown issues. On a side note, I hate that I come across as always depressed and pessimistic. I come across as overly negative. The problem is that I use places like twitter and blogs as outlets to my frustrations. They are not representative of me ALL THE TIME.

Anyway… My main issue right now is that I’m having issues with the one friend that I really value. In a relatively short time period, she’s become someone I truly care about. She’s smart, funny (dear lord, is she funny!) and a caring person. Part of me hates her seeing me like this. I wish I’d met her when I was always happy and social. Now, she’s helping me through some rough emotions. First, I helped her (at least, I’d like to think I TRIED helping her) through her own issues. She’s returning the favor.

The problem I have is that I feel uncomfortable around her. I probably got too relaxed around her. I’m a touchy-feeling sort of guy. And, I don’t always say the right things. So I’ve done and said some things she doesn’t really like. They’re probably things that she doesn’t really think about more than 2 seconds after I’ve done/said it. But I’ve done them with just enough frequency for me to start getting scared of it. I can’t afford to have her annoyed or irritated by it. I would hate to have her second guessing talking to me or hanging out with me because I make her uncomfortable.

You know what, though? She’s been disputing it all and has been trying to talk to me. It seriously brings me to tears. It’s been so long since I’ve had a friend that’s cared enough to put any effort into me. I mean, she made the point that some people don’t want to deal with drama, so they just walk away until it blows over. My contention is that most of my “friends” just don’t care enough to get to the point of noticing.

This verse from "This Celluloid Dream" (AFI) used to really resonate with me:

To the lovely dancing lights, I begged, "May I cut in?"

But they never stopped playing "their song"

Of a joyous song they sing, I've heard whispers

On a freezing note, I resonate

You see, it’s a circle that starts with me. I’m insecure in my “place” in the group dynamics. Everyone has their “special friend” that they talk to or hang out with the most in a group. I don’t have anyone, really. So I don’t know how to bull my way in and get into a conversation. I feel awkward. So I stand there. And it makes me feel awkward, undesirable and uninteresting (on a side note, I truly am uninteresting… I have NOTHING to talk about, usually). So then, I feel closed off and isolated. So then that makes me undesirable. And then I feel even more like the odd man out. And it keeps going and going. Yes, I understand that I need to work on that.

I get upset, because when I do something for a friend, it’s almost like it’s either expected or barely acknowledged. I don’t need someone to throw up streamers and blow a horn to tell me thank you. But when someone else does the same thing, they’re praised to others and a big deal is made. Am I just not good enough in my efforts?

The worst part? I’m 29, soon to be 30 within the next two months. I’ve totally gone back to being insecure like I was when I was in high school, half my lifetime ago. Glad to see I’ve come so far, huh? Speaking of which, that brings up another thing… I secretly hate that I keep my birthday a secret. There have been far too many times where nobody has thought of it or said anything. So I prefer to not let anyone know. I don’t expect any birthday wishes, but I also hate it when I see a huge fuss made over another friend, but I don’t get a text or phone call. I hate inviting people, but for only my girlfriend to show up. Now, I don’t even have a girlfriend there for me.

One of the things that kinda hit home last night, when Sarah and I were talking was that she mentioned that I was being needy. She used an analogy with a friend, so she wasn’t directly saying it, but I can read between the lines.

And she’s right. That kills me to say it.

Right now, I AM needy. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of faith in those deep and close friendships. There will always be a time when you’re thrown aside for something new. But you also know if they’ll be back or within sight. As long as these “new” friends are around, I’ll be left in the dust.

I just need some sort of sign to renew my faith in friendships. I need some reassurance that to someone that I’m close with, I’m still relevant in their lives.

Actually, maybe I’ve figured it out, just now. I’m usually the guy in the background. I’m usually taking care of my friends. Maybe, I’m just going through a phase where I’m tired of being stepped on and ignored.

Maybe I want to be seen.

Maybe I want to feel special.

I need work.

It's been a while. And there's a reason why I've come back to this...

For a while now, I've started to feel like I'm missing something. Actually, I've felt like I've opened up my eyes and found that I don't have something that I thought I did. My faith in friends and people in general have been sort of rocked. It's almost like I need something to renew my faith. My thoughts are a bit jumbled, so this probably won't flow correctly....

As much as I joke with my friends that I'm an asshole, I feel like I'm 50/50. I can be a nice guy, to the point of being overly nice. But then, set me off, I'm a complete asshole. The worst part, is my friends kind of only acknowledge the asshole in me. Even the closest. And it sort of hurts.

No. I can be honest here. It really does hurt.

There are times that I put myself out there and it's like I'm taken for granted. But when another friend does something suitably noticeable, it's a huge deal. I'd like to think I'm not the type to seek recognition. But maybe I do really want it. Maybe I want them to just say, "Hey, I appreciate you going out of your way. Those little things you do... Thanks."

I'd like to think I take care of my friends. I put myself out there. I can't remember the last time one has done the same for me. And that hurts. It's the little things. I know someone from the outside would say I'm reading too much into things. But when each grain of sand, turns out to be a huge anthill, you have to acknowledge it.

Example? A couple weeks ago, my buddy's chain kept coming off on his beach cruiser. While everyone else kept going, I stayed with him, all the way down to the pier. And that pretty much sets the tone all the time. If someone is lagging behind (both beach cruising or mountain biking) and nobody is there with them, I hang back and make sure I keep them company. The past two weeks? If I ever fell behind, I was left behind. They didn't even notice I wasn't around (but they'd notice when someone else fell behind).

That's the sort of things I've been dealing with now.

I understand that I can't just automatically be a part of a clique when you're the outsider. It's just disheartening to be, quite honestly, considered an afterthought or a throwaway, when in the same situation, I try to include everyone.

So when, privately in my mind, I pout like a elementary school kid who didn't get asked to be on a team for kickball, am I being a douche? Am I being overly sensitive?

I've always been the type of person to put in more into a relationship or friendship more than the other person. I know that opens me up to being disappointed and fucked over. But it's almost as if I'm expected to be taken advantage of and I'm an asshole if I don't want that to happen.

Another frustration is girls... As always. I meet these great women. And they're all out of my league. Just recently, I met two that I've been interested in. One, my buddy's cousin's best friend is really cute. She's nice and seems pretty cool. I don't know her, so I'm not so upset about her not being in my league. But I AM upset that she's out of my league.

Confused? Let me explain. I'm bummed that there are "leagues". I'm bummed that I'm not a certain height, weight, "type"... I'm bummed that I'm already dismissed without even a slight chance.

The other girl... She's so cool. I finally got to really talk to her recently. Last night, she stayed over at my place (irrelevant story) and we stayed up talking. She was drunk, but I still had a great time talking to her. But I could tell she was not attracted in me whatsoever.

The best part? Both of these girls are attracted to my friend. The one girl from last night was practically gushing about how nice he is. I don't dispute that at all. He's a REALLY nice guy.

But, it sort of bothers me that it's almost like I'm not afforded the same consideration because I'm not attractive enough. Perhaps all the little things I did, that I didn't try and make obvious isn't enough. I made sure I put myself between her and a couple of guys who might have tried to grab her ass at a bar. But when my buddy says he'll kick a guy's ass for that, it's a huge thing.

I understand where she's coming from. But how am I always considered the asshole?! It's almost as if I'm a douche and left out. I don't want to demean anything my friends do. But I'd just like a little parity, sometimes.

You know what else? I hate that I'm bothered by all of this. I'm not sure why I'm so butt-hurt. I should just be myself and say fuck'm. But I am.

There are times I feel so alone. I used to have friends that I'd talk to all the time. Now, I don't have anyone, really. My roommate is distant. My buddy is always socializing with others (and he invites me sometimes, so that's nice. I guess I can't complain too much there). And I'm not the type of guy that goes out to a bar to drink for no reason (what I mean is that it seems like we could drink in a more comfortable and easier to manage settings... like our homes. I understand getting out to get change in scenery... but if you're not going to meet anyone, why spend that much money on alcohol and have to try and yell over music and crowd noise?).

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I don't have anyone to vent to. Hell, I'm often ignored by my "internet friends". It's that deep.

I'm frustrated and lonely. I'm not often this pathetic (only in satire and comedy). But I'm honestly feeling bummed. That's why I need this blog. I need to write it out, since I can't talk to someone about it. I need to get it out SOMEHOW.

I need to work on myself. I almost want to move away and get myself together. I'm a mess.

Outcast, Is My Name

I'm so frustrated, at this moment in time

So many things I cannot define

While I don't DESERVE things here or there

All I ask is for a bone, if you care

 

Work, duty, love and chores

Closed, seem all the doors

Friends, family, love and life

All wounded by serrated knife

 

When does it get to be my turn?

Just some love, my heart does yearn

Too much to ask for a battered soul?

Disappointments are taking their toll

 

All that I have, I've earned on my own

Double edged, reaped what I've sown

Expected too much, received no return

Of my needs and desires, of no concern

 

I'm a little lost and can't find my way

Bewildered, can't think of what to say

I just need a little help, a loving embrace

Sick of the reflection, the tired, defeated face.

Absence of the Heart

Change, Erosion

Winds of change are picking up speed
Separating the difference between want and need
Eroding away what's right and wrong
Keeping only that which righfully does belong
Each new season, a cycle of change
Shaping something both new, familiar, strange
It's always different, there is no plan
Until, there's nothing left but a shell of a man


(Like many of my poems, not very good. But not bad for a 5 minute write. At least, not bad for me.)

Memories…

Kelley randomly called me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her. For the last 4 years, I see her on average once every 6 months. While that might be normal for some other people, for me, it saddens me. She's one of my best friends. She's one of the VERY FEW people that really does understand me and accepts me, even with all my stupid idiosyncrasies.

The whole time tonight, I just kept thinking, "Man, how easy it is to talk to her. She understands me. She has the same humor as I. Etc…"

I don't know if I'm still in love with her (a long time ago I squashed those feelings down to tightly… needed to, otherwise my heart would've been crushed beyond repair LONG ago). But I can see why I was in love with her for SO LONG. I mean, it was something like 5 years straight. I knew I had no choice, but she was what made me happy.

Part of me wants to ask her, "Just so I know, what is it about me that doesn't do it for you? Is it the physical looks (or, lack thereof?). But that's a stupid thing to do. I'm finding it increasingly frustrating how hard it is for me to meet a girl. I know it's as much my problem as it is the girls who automatically dismiss me with a quick look. I know it's one of those, "don't look for it, it'll find you."

I call bullshit.

I wasn't looking for quite a while. And nothing happened.

I'm just tired of hearing all my friends talk about what they did with their significant others (that I can't do, because it's hard to do as a single guy). Or how happy they feel in their relationship.

Most of all, I'm tired of being a fucking whiny baby complaining.

Grow a pair, James!