Memories…

Kelley randomly called me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her. For the last 4 years, I see her on average once every 6 months. While that might be normal for some other people, for me, it saddens me. She's one of my best friends. She's one of the VERY FEW people that really does understand me and accepts me, even with all my stupid idiosyncrasies.

The whole time tonight, I just kept thinking, "Man, how easy it is to talk to her. She understands me. She has the same humor as I. Etc…"

I don't know if I'm still in love with her (a long time ago I squashed those feelings down to tightly… needed to, otherwise my heart would've been crushed beyond repair LONG ago). But I can see why I was in love with her for SO LONG. I mean, it was something like 5 years straight. I knew I had no choice, but she was what made me happy.

Part of me wants to ask her, "Just so I know, what is it about me that doesn't do it for you? Is it the physical looks (or, lack thereof?). But that's a stupid thing to do. I'm finding it increasingly frustrating how hard it is for me to meet a girl. I know it's as much my problem as it is the girls who automatically dismiss me with a quick look. I know it's one of those, "don't look for it, it'll find you."

I call bullshit.

I wasn't looking for quite a while. And nothing happened.

I'm just tired of hearing all my friends talk about what they did with their significant others (that I can't do, because it's hard to do as a single guy). Or how happy they feel in their relationship.

Most of all, I'm tired of being a fucking whiny baby complaining.

Grow a pair, James!