Absence of the Heart

Change, Erosion

Winds of change are picking up speed
Separating the difference between want and need
Eroding away what's right and wrong
Keeping only that which righfully does belong
Each new season, a cycle of change
Shaping something both new, familiar, strange
It's always different, there is no plan
Until, there's nothing left but a shell of a man


(Like many of my poems, not very good. But not bad for a 5 minute write. At least, not bad for me.)

Memories…

Kelley randomly called me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her. For the last 4 years, I see her on average once every 6 months. While that might be normal for some other people, for me, it saddens me. She's one of my best friends. She's one of the VERY FEW people that really does understand me and accepts me, even with all my stupid idiosyncrasies.

The whole time tonight, I just kept thinking, "Man, how easy it is to talk to her. She understands me. She has the same humor as I. Etc…"

I don't know if I'm still in love with her (a long time ago I squashed those feelings down to tightly… needed to, otherwise my heart would've been crushed beyond repair LONG ago). But I can see why I was in love with her for SO LONG. I mean, it was something like 5 years straight. I knew I had no choice, but she was what made me happy.

Part of me wants to ask her, "Just so I know, what is it about me that doesn't do it for you? Is it the physical looks (or, lack thereof?). But that's a stupid thing to do. I'm finding it increasingly frustrating how hard it is for me to meet a girl. I know it's as much my problem as it is the girls who automatically dismiss me with a quick look. I know it's one of those, "don't look for it, it'll find you."

I call bullshit.

I wasn't looking for quite a while. And nothing happened.

I'm just tired of hearing all my friends talk about what they did with their significant others (that I can't do, because it's hard to do as a single guy). Or how happy they feel in their relationship.

Most of all, I'm tired of being a fucking whiny baby complaining.

Grow a pair, James!

Grow up!

This is inspired by another person I follow on Twitter (seems like that's all that I talk about lately, huh?). Check her out: http://aftonmichelle.blogspot.com

Reading her blog made me realize one of the things I somewhat dislike about myself… First, I'm 28 years old and I'm in a self-dramatic funk. There's a ton of reasons why, but I won't even start on that.

The biggest thing, though, is that I'm too "safe". You see, she's talking about moving, even though she doesn't have concrete plans.

I want to be like that.

I can be spontaneous. But only in the small things. I need plans to make a big move. Hell, that's probably why I haven't moved in so long. Well, I mean, haven't moved out of the LA and OC area. Growing up in the military, we moved all over Europe. But, the last 16 years, I haven't moved out of a 100 mile radius. Even though I want to.

I've been wanting to move to a less superficial area. I want to move to a place that isn't about a "scene". Or, at least, a place not trying too hard to have a particular scene. A place where me being a nice guy isn't seen as being weak or unattractive (you have to be either an asshole or a douchebag here, it seems).

But I haven't moved because it's easy here. I have a job that I probably won't get paid as much somewhere else (although, cost of living is a mental hurdle, I know…). And if I don't get the pay I want, will I be able to afford the move?

And there's no guarantee that I'll be better there. I'm social awkward when it comes to trying to meet new people. I'm fine if we've met. But trying to meet new people? I don't even know how to start. Maybe it's the "safe" thing again. Maybe I'm too scared to go out on a limb to try and meet people.

 

I dunno…

Maybe this is why I'm putting so much into biking lately. Be it rolling down the Strand on the cross-bike or jibbing down the trail on the mountain bike, it's a solitary thing I can throw myself into. Maybe that's why I originally bought the dslr. I want to take pictures of interesting and beautiful things. I really need to learn that…

And writing… I used to write so much. I found it cathartic. I'd blog about myself and what I was feeling. I'd write poems and lyrics.

Maybe I've put so much into my work that I've lost the part of me that enjoys life. I may not be to meet a girl that will want me for the boring guy that I am. But maybe I can find the fun and enjoyment of life by doing things the way I want to and the way I feel like it.

Can I live a little more than I've been? Can I loosen up the reins and let life get a little bit more spontaneous?

I dunno. I need a plan. Haha.

Depression

I guess I have to admit it… I'm in a depressive state.

I HATE saying that. I feel week. I feel like a whiney little bitch.

But I do have to say, that I do feel it. The past three days have hit me as if I were hurtling towards an impenetrable wall, with no way to stop myself. Will I try and hurt myself? No, that'll never happen. I'm not that type of guy. But I still lay awake at night and feel that feeling of helplessness. I'm not sure what to do. I'm hiding it at work and letting it come out at night.

You see, I was alright for the longest time. Yeah, politics at work piss me off, but at least I have a job. I was lonely sometimes, but that was the way life was. But my perspective changed a couple days ago.

I was riding high. I had a fun/good day at work. I did a good deed and, seemingly, was rewarded by a phone call from a friend that I've missed for a very long time (see my last post). And then, the next day, I started seeing things…

Everything was about couples and happiness of a relationship. All my couple friends kept talking about doing things together in couples. Okay, that's fine. I'm used to that. But then, I'd see how they'd look at each other… I'm used to that too…

And then, I realized that I was so happy with Kelley calling me, that I ignored the basic fact in that. Someone who I proclaim as one of my closest friends, hardly talks to me. I've physically seen her twice last year (once randomly running into her, out and about) and once the year before. I talk to her in spurts. And even the "frequent" times I talk to her, it's once every other month. Other than that, it'll be 5 or 6 months before she responds to a phone call or text message.

On one hand, it's my own fault, because I only say, "Hey, thinking about you. Hope you're having a good weekend." I don't want her to feel obligated to call me by say, "Hey, call me." I want her to call me because she WANTS to talk to me. The fucked up thing is that I can see how low I've gone down on her list. When I eventually do see or talk to her, she responds to text messages from her boyfriend or other friends all the time. But me? The last text message she even sent to me wasn't in response to anything I sent her. It was a couple of months ago, asking for help on her computer.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she means it maliciously. But a part of me wonders if I'll ever become a TRUE friend again. Not just one you call when you need help. One that you call when you need help AND the times you just want to see how they're doing.

I've done that to myself though. Some of the people I know now may be a bit surprised to hear this, but I used to be THAT guy you called for help. I made it abundantly clear to my friends that I would drop everything for them. They were my family. They were EVERYTHING to me.

And so I let them use me. I let them abuse me.

I've tried to find a balance. But, in the end, I'm the nice guy you call when you need help. I'm the backup when you're bored and your significant others and friends aren't available. But I'll never be more.

And because I've been scarred by that, I don't have the patience of the fake people. Nor those that don't put equal amounts into friendships. I understand you can't give me a lot of time or effort. But don't ask that from me, if you can't do the same. I'm over being stepped on.

But is that attitude why I don't have anyone to talk to anymore? Why I no longer have anyone to hang out with? Why I sit alone on the weekends most of the time?

Part of me just can't understand. I'm a nice guy. I'm usually pretty laid back. Usually hard to get angry. Under most circumstances, is funny…

And then there's the love-life… I get the fact that I'm not 6 feet tall and look like a model. I've heard girls claim that it's not about looks. Those are usually the girls in a relationship (not to mention, a relationship with a guy that's reasonably good looking). Those that are single, sometimes make that claim as well. And yet I get those implied hints. The, "Awww, you're such a cute friend" or, "You'd make a good boyfriend for a girl" (translating to: "you'd make a good boyfriend for some OTHER girl").

When the topic comes up with these same girls, they say that my problem is that I pass into the Friends Zone too quickly. And, yet again, I call fucking bullshit. I make it pretty damn clear (even in my shy way) that I'm interested. But they're not. How many times has a girl and a guy who're both interested, even the SLIGHTEST, not gone out on a date after meeting? And if they still like each other then, barring any craziness, I'd say the chances are good that they'll pursue their interest in each other. At least, that's what I've seen.

I'm sorry, I call complete bullshit on girls. They want a cute looking guy that's cocky. I've been told to my face more than a few times that I lacked that "macho" and "arrogant" swagger. Arrogance? Girls REALLY want that?

What's funny is that when I was in high school, girls always wanted the gentleman. And it worked pretty damn well in college and up until a couple years ago. Now, I'm seen as the nice, non-model looking guy.

That's why I hate going to bars. I want to go to hang out with my friends ONLY. Girls judge you by your looks and lie about how they want to find a nice guy with a good personality. Fuck that. They want a hot guy that'll be "macho".

What happened to me? Not even a couple years ago, I was Mr. Social. I had a shitload of friends. I could turn to a couple people if I were feeling down. I had enough luck with girls that I could draw a couple incredible ones into some fulfilling relationships...

Was it that we all grew up and realized that it's every man for himself? Have I become just this amazingly boring shell of a man? Or have I grown up and realized how much I'd been taken advantage of? I don't know...

And so, I'm depressed.

I have no friends to turn to, that'll take the time to listen. I have no girlfriend or love interest who I can share time with. I'm alone.

That's what really gets to me. I'm around people all the time. But I'm still alone.

Maybe clichés are true?

I follow a girl on Twitter that I randomly discovered from BriteKite when I was still working on-site with our client. After I checked out her link on Twitter, I read some of her tweets and discovered she was hilarious. That sort of sarcastic humor (well, that's what I get… you assume a lot when it comes to tone) that I really laugh at.

Anyway, it's been a while now, and I've read her blog (http://orangecolorday.blogspot.com), seen a couple of pics on Flickr and have even had a couple of random AIM conversations. Seems like a nice girl. I enjoy following nice people on twitter. It's kind of that feeling of living vicariously though them… I smile when she and others talk about their boyfriend/girlfriend. I get annoyed when they talk about something that annoys me just as much.

Well, today, she twittered that her car got broken into and her ipod got stolen. As a kind of experiment/joke/meh(?) kind of thing, she set up a donations thing on ebay (didn't know you could do that!). So I donated. Thought it'd be anonymous, because I didn't want it to be a big deal. Figure, if it's of any significant size, it'd be a bright spot in the day.

I think it's along the same vein as to why I tip pretty generously (if the service isn't bad!). I'd say that 90% of a food-service worker's job BLOWS. You have asshole/bitchy customers that you have to bend over backwards for and just take it. If that were me, and someone tipped you $20 on a $40 bill? That'd be pretty awesome. I don't do that as much as I used to (hey, as you get older, the more money you have to pay for bills and shit). But my friend still give me shit. They still say I give too much.

Fuck that. It'd be nice to have that returned. So I'll keep doing that.

Anyway… The weird thing is that someone I've been missing for a LONG time called me literally 10 minutes after I donated…

You see, Kelley and I've known each other for 10 years now. That may not seem like much for a lot of people. But for me, growing up in a military family, overseas where I never had a friend that stayed around more than 4 months, that's a lot. The only problem is that for the last 4 years, she's been drifting away. I know people grow apart, especially as "young" as we are. It's just that she's the best friend I've ever had. She completely understands me.

But between a boyfriend and girls that she's finally been able to become close too, I've been relegated to an acquaintance. It's actually quite depressing.

In a way, she was a surrogate girlfriend. No intimacy or romance, but that friend you can tell anything to. That "last call of the night."

This one phone call won't mean that she'll start hanging out with me again or return my phone calls all the time. But it was still nice to hear from her.

 

PS – Does this mean that if I donate enough money, I'll find a girl nice enough to give me a shot at a relationship? Oh wait, I don't have the money for that high of a donation.