Depression

I guess I have to admit it… I'm in a depressive state.

I HATE saying that. I feel week. I feel like a whiney little bitch.

But I do have to say, that I do feel it. The past three days have hit me as if I were hurtling towards an impenetrable wall, with no way to stop myself. Will I try and hurt myself? No, that'll never happen. I'm not that type of guy. But I still lay awake at night and feel that feeling of helplessness. I'm not sure what to do. I'm hiding it at work and letting it come out at night.

You see, I was alright for the longest time. Yeah, politics at work piss me off, but at least I have a job. I was lonely sometimes, but that was the way life was. But my perspective changed a couple days ago.

I was riding high. I had a fun/good day at work. I did a good deed and, seemingly, was rewarded by a phone call from a friend that I've missed for a very long time (see my last post). And then, the next day, I started seeing things…

Everything was about couples and happiness of a relationship. All my couple friends kept talking about doing things together in couples. Okay, that's fine. I'm used to that. But then, I'd see how they'd look at each other… I'm used to that too…

And then, I realized that I was so happy with Kelley calling me, that I ignored the basic fact in that. Someone who I proclaim as one of my closest friends, hardly talks to me. I've physically seen her twice last year (once randomly running into her, out and about) and once the year before. I talk to her in spurts. And even the "frequent" times I talk to her, it's once every other month. Other than that, it'll be 5 or 6 months before she responds to a phone call or text message.

On one hand, it's my own fault, because I only say, "Hey, thinking about you. Hope you're having a good weekend." I don't want her to feel obligated to call me by say, "Hey, call me." I want her to call me because she WANTS to talk to me. The fucked up thing is that I can see how low I've gone down on her list. When I eventually do see or talk to her, she responds to text messages from her boyfriend or other friends all the time. But me? The last text message she even sent to me wasn't in response to anything I sent her. It was a couple of months ago, asking for help on her computer.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she means it maliciously. But a part of me wonders if I'll ever become a TRUE friend again. Not just one you call when you need help. One that you call when you need help AND the times you just want to see how they're doing.

I've done that to myself though. Some of the people I know now may be a bit surprised to hear this, but I used to be THAT guy you called for help. I made it abundantly clear to my friends that I would drop everything for them. They were my family. They were EVERYTHING to me.

And so I let them use me. I let them abuse me.

I've tried to find a balance. But, in the end, I'm the nice guy you call when you need help. I'm the backup when you're bored and your significant others and friends aren't available. But I'll never be more.

And because I've been scarred by that, I don't have the patience of the fake people. Nor those that don't put equal amounts into friendships. I understand you can't give me a lot of time or effort. But don't ask that from me, if you can't do the same. I'm over being stepped on.

But is that attitude why I don't have anyone to talk to anymore? Why I no longer have anyone to hang out with? Why I sit alone on the weekends most of the time?

Part of me just can't understand. I'm a nice guy. I'm usually pretty laid back. Usually hard to get angry. Under most circumstances, is funny…

And then there's the love-life… I get the fact that I'm not 6 feet tall and look like a model. I've heard girls claim that it's not about looks. Those are usually the girls in a relationship (not to mention, a relationship with a guy that's reasonably good looking). Those that are single, sometimes make that claim as well. And yet I get those implied hints. The, "Awww, you're such a cute friend" or, "You'd make a good boyfriend for a girl" (translating to: "you'd make a good boyfriend for some OTHER girl").

When the topic comes up with these same girls, they say that my problem is that I pass into the Friends Zone too quickly. And, yet again, I call fucking bullshit. I make it pretty damn clear (even in my shy way) that I'm interested. But they're not. How many times has a girl and a guy who're both interested, even the SLIGHTEST, not gone out on a date after meeting? And if they still like each other then, barring any craziness, I'd say the chances are good that they'll pursue their interest in each other. At least, that's what I've seen.

I'm sorry, I call complete bullshit on girls. They want a cute looking guy that's cocky. I've been told to my face more than a few times that I lacked that "macho" and "arrogant" swagger. Arrogance? Girls REALLY want that?

What's funny is that when I was in high school, girls always wanted the gentleman. And it worked pretty damn well in college and up until a couple years ago. Now, I'm seen as the nice, non-model looking guy.

That's why I hate going to bars. I want to go to hang out with my friends ONLY. Girls judge you by your looks and lie about how they want to find a nice guy with a good personality. Fuck that. They want a hot guy that'll be "macho".

What happened to me? Not even a couple years ago, I was Mr. Social. I had a shitload of friends. I could turn to a couple people if I were feeling down. I had enough luck with girls that I could draw a couple incredible ones into some fulfilling relationships...

Was it that we all grew up and realized that it's every man for himself? Have I become just this amazingly boring shell of a man? Or have I grown up and realized how much I'd been taken advantage of? I don't know...

And so, I'm depressed.

I have no friends to turn to, that'll take the time to listen. I have no girlfriend or love interest who I can share time with. I'm alone.

That's what really gets to me. I'm around people all the time. But I'm still alone.