I've turned into a pansy. I find myself outwardly going on as usual. Cracking the same jokes and acting like I own the world with my co-workers. But somewhere deep down, I'm feeling a sadness that runs deep.
And when I'm alone or when my office door is closed, I find myself drifting off… Sometimes, I'm just numb and blank. I don't snap out of it until some sort of stimulus prompts me. And even then, sometimes the phone ringing, either of my phones going off in a text message or email, or a co-worker leaning their heads in to speak to me… even then, I sometimes am still consumed.
For a long time, Kelley was everything. She was my only true friend. She was the only family I had. When I was so down on life and feeling sorry for myself over something stupid (like now, probably), she was the only one there.
And to know that that's gone? I have no idea how to function… I mean, she's sort of been absent for a while now. But there was hope that it was just a phase. But now that it's definitive and "official"…
How do you get over a TRUE friend of 10 years? How do you react when you find out that they don't really care about you anymore and your friendship has degraded into nothing? When they basically prefer a booty call, someone to hang out with, a boyfriend placeholder and a person to take to "couples nights" to over someone that has always been there for you and would drop everything for? When you, yourself said that I was the best friend you've ever had and I was too good of a friend and nobody deserved a friend like me? When you told me that girls would never know how great of a boyfriend I'd make, since you'd been there to see each relationship and how I treated my friends and lovers.
So, I find myself pondering this: how do you react? How do you go on?
And, at the same time, I wonder: when did I become a whiny fucking pansy?
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