Let Go

I think I'm too controlled

I should try and break free

Do something wild and fun

Make sure this is REALLY me

 

I'm barely starting my life

And already I feel so old

I don't want to be alone

When winter turns cold

 

It's hard to open up at all

I've been burned every time

Mislead and taken advantage of

On this road, can't read the sign

 

Is there nothing but this?

I just can't seem to find my way

Is my armor weighing me down?

My roots too deep, making me stay?

 

Am I so bad of a friend?

Part of me just doesn't understand

Only when trouble hits

My assistance is in high demand

 

If that's my sentence

Then just let me slip away

No martyr for me

I refuse to be a bad cliché

 

Let me go with dignity

For there is none here

But life won't let me

Nothing is ever clear

 

I'm defeated.

I'm stuck.

I'm cheated.

I'm fucked.

My Pathetic Thanksgiving

Sooooo... for the 5th year in a row, I was desperately trying to keep busy this Thanksgiving day. I don't like dwelling on the fact that I'm pathetic. First, for a week, I dodge the question, "What are you going to do for Thanksgiving?" Not because I'm uncomfortable with being alone. But because I hate getting the pity if I tell them I have nothing to do. Yeah, I get kinda bummed during the holidays. But I don't want that scene of uncomfortable silence for a few moments while they try to think of something to say. Then that inevitably leads to the obligatory, "Awww, why not?" or "How come?"

Anyway, I got up early (as I tend to do) and figured I'd try to use my barely-used 6 month old dSLR and take advantage of the somewhat rare (for SoCal, at least) combination of clouds and sunlight to take some cloud pictures. Went up to Del Cerro park in PV and took some pics. They actually turned out a little better than what I thought (although, still not very good).

I then proceeded down to the Redondo Rivera for some people-watching and internt play at Coffee Bean. But, I quickly got tired of that. I just wasn't feeling the web and I got a little bummed seeing all the happy couples coming in for some morning coffee. I did trade some Twitter direct messages with one of the people I follow (she's quite funny and interesting) about me needing to really learn how to use my camera. It just reminded me how I really do need to learn how to use aperture and shutter settings to my advantage. That, and Photoshop.

So after I left there, I decided to just drive. I always do that. I guess the road is my subconscious manifestation of a desire to make my own path and have full control over it. I went from Redondo Beach down to Dana Point. Then turned around and stopped by Jack's Surf Shop in Huntington Beach to check out their Thanksgiving sale.

Then, when I got back up to Torrance, spontaneously decided to watch a movie. I ended up watching Quantum of Solace. It was pretty good. Except, I'm SOOOO tired of the trend of shooting with handheld cams for action scenes. Yeah, it was edgy for Bourne Identity… But I got tired of it even in that movie. I want to SEE what's going on. And fucking understand exactly what's happening. Yeah, you can still see it all. But not without having a small feeling of, "Wait, is that what I think is happening?"

After that, I decided to drive up north. So I drove up all the way up to Oxnard using PCH. And, just like when I went South, I listened to some good music and sang my heart out. And, I finally allowed myself to think about the loneliness. It wasn't bliss, I'll tell you that…

Anyway, so, I finally got back home, 11 hours after I left. And there's nothing on TV. Got in a bit of a "mood" because I'm tired of the drama (not major, but it was small enough to make me think the other shit) that went down with Brittany… Every time after the last time she's been over here, I invite her and she declines. It's her right and it's not like I'm mad or anything. But I also understand that I'm not interesting or attractive enough to warrant her coming over nowadays.

One time, she said she was too tired, but later mentioned how she went to her boy-toy's that night (I don't blame her at all). And since then, she's tired, etc… Again, it's none of my concern.

So I mentioned that I'd offer for her to come over, but I knew it'd be pointless, it apparently started something in her. She responded with an "Um, okay." So I asked her what that was about, and she just responded with, "That was my reply to what you said"

And that just reminded me of the previous "drama" we've had. It's like everything I get is attitude or that pretend "Nothing". I'm sick of that. Just fucking communicate. Everything is a "misunderstanding". And either it's my fault, or she's the martyr. She never says what she "meant" or she just starts ranting.

So, because of that, I know I won't have the energy tomorrow to have to watch what I say or hear how everything is against her, I did the dick-move and passed on her zoo trip.

She's not even fucking me, and I get all the attitude.

So, right now, I'm going to put on some music and try and drift off to sleep. I doubt I'll sleep. But maybe, just maybe, I'll forget how pathetic I am…

Hi!!! My name’s Pathetic. Yours?

The past couple of days, I've felt pretty pathetic. I've been feeling a bit depressed over shit that I need to just man-up and accept.

You see, every once in a while, when I've been single for a while, I get really bummed. I see those around me and see their happiness in their relationships or just joy in life, and it makes me jealous, sad and feel defeated. I feel defeated, when I haven't even fought. I'm sad that it seems like I'm invisible to girls. And those that I do talk to, I can only ever be "just a friend". I seem to give off some vibe that makes them automatically place me in the "Friend's Zone".

And, yet, I don't even try. I'm crippled by fear of rejection. And my friends that are girls have admitted to me that when they've watched the girls I've tried to talk to, they've said that the girls are clearly not interested. I just lack any semblance of attractiveness.

So, I find myself always thinking, why bother going through the humiliation of rejection?

And that bums me out.

Woe Is Me.

Sooooo… Been a while, huh?

So what's new? Nothing, really. Except that I hate my job. I alluded to it in my last post, I think. But it's gotten worse.

All of the good people are ALL looking for another job. But the economy BLOWS right now. It's hard to find open positions that we have. And I'm looking to go up. I'm looking at the $85K – $95K range. My coworkers either at my current pay or higher. Perhaps I'm over-reaching?

The only other thing I've been doing lately is getting a bit depressed. Both socially and romantically, I'm feeling a bit down. You see, there's the usual lack of romance. I'm still in this stupid Woe-is-me phase. No girl finds that attractive. And since they don't, I feel so unappealing, it's scary. Which feeds my Woe-is-me feelings. Enough of that. I've beat that into the grave.

The social side… I've realized that I'm awkward with people. Especially with new people. But in addition, is the season…

I HATE the holidays because it serves to remind me how alone I am. Ironic, considering my situation. But in reality, I'm very much alone. I have no family, really. And I hate having to decide how to handle the, "What are you doing for Christmas?" or "How was your Thanksgiving?" You see, people have a hard time handling my response if I told them the truth. If you'd just told your coworker that you had a great holiday with your family or had a nice big Thanksgiving dinner, what do you say when they tell you that they, in contrast, spent the holiday alone? And they try to avoid tv and people because it may remind them too much of how alone they are.

I suck. The worst is the proximity of these occasions are to each other. First it's my birthday. Then, Thanksgiving. Then followed by Christmas and New Years. Within 2 months, all of these crammed together. Fucking awesome.

I suck.

Howdy

So, I just updated my resume. It's not like I think it's going to be needed soon or anything. More like, just in case. It's a possibility that I'll eventually get sick of the idiot VP and I'll quit. I doubt he'll be there when the next contract rolls around. But, I don't know if I can hold out for that long.

I cancelled on Kayla last night, so I had lunch with her today. I stuffed my face with her at Green Field in Long Beach. LOVE that place! I particularly enjoyed the ribeye. Freak'n awesome.

I also talked to Heather for a bit. I haven't talked to The Guys in forever. Heather missed seeing my ugly face so she called me just to check up on me. That was nice of her. Haha, I remember when I used to work with Josh and he found it kind of weird that I talked to his wife. Funny how The Guys have that mentality that they only talk to each other, but not the wives. Not that it's forbidden or anything. Just weird.

I was still a bit grumpy this morning. Last night, I tried apologizing for being a dick in the delivery of how I felt. And, I got back the, "Well, I am who I am. Deal with it." Which, is fine. At least, the mentality is fine. I just felt like I was trying and I got the attitude back like I could go fuck myself. Funny, she finds me "oversensitive". Yet, all my friends say I'm nice and I'm their best shoulder to cry on. The only thing I don't tolerate is when you raise your voice at me or yell at me. I got enough of that growing up from my mother.

I've had plenty of friends who've vented to me. But they've never yelled at me or taken it out on me.

Maybe I'm "too old"? Perhaps that's how younger people deal with things now? I've noticed that younger people get more vocal and lash out more and more.

Which got me thinking… While I'm not much older than some of these people, I think there's a distinct division of the "generations". Just like there's not much of a age difference from Gen X's and Gen Y's. Perhaps it has to do with changing events that affects social patterns? Some of these "kids" were still in High School during 9/11. Things DID change, socially.

It's definitely something kind of intriguing to think about. Makes me wonder if that affects a lot of things. What would the internet have been like without 9/11? Relatively, the internet was in it's adolescence (hell, it's still going through growing pains). Content and censorship. Security and general attitudes.

Hell, music tastes. And music ITSELF…

Makes me wonder…

Dallas

Meant to post this earlier this week…

 

Wow. It's been a LONG couple of weeks. Started off by not sleeping much on Monday night. Which might have to do with my sleeping schedule messed up from having Brittany spend the night on Saturday. I think it was the fact that I was so relaxed (I feel better when I have someone sleeping with me… truly sleeping, not sexually), I wanted to keep sleeping the whole morning.

On a side note, I might have made a mistake… While cuddling in the morning, she'd semi kissed me because I'd been giving her pecks on the back of her neck and shoulder all night (cuz I tend to do that) and I gave her a peck quite close to her mouth, I think. Well, I started kissing her.

I think she was in that half-dozing mode and she just went with it. Later, when she was fully awake, things were… different. LOL. I was half-awake too. Normally, I wouldn't do anything.

Anyway, Monday, I worked a long day (like I have been for the last couple weeks). That night, I couldn't really sleep much, though. Tuesday, I didn't work much, since we had some BS company meeting that was a picnic that I didn't want to go to. I went to bed early so I could wake up at 2am on Wednesday morning to get to the Airport Parking place by 3am (needed time to shower and put my stuff in the car).

So that started off my saga. Next was waiting for the plane to allow us to board. There were some other passengers that had such an air of entitlement… One person was upset that the Starbucks stand wouldn't open up 30 mins early for her. Another one was mad because the seats had arm-rests, so she couldn't lay down and sleep (while I understand the sentiment, she took it as if it was a personal affront). And, the best, was when a woman asked the maintenance people to dim the lights to the terminal. REALLY?!

Anyway, the flight itself was alright. They had a towncar pick me up and I felt kind of ostentatious. When I checked in, I was a bit surprised. They put me in one of the presidential suites. It had a freak'n grand piano in it. Felt like a freak'n king.

The week wasn't without drama. Our idiot "leader" has a follower that, unfortunately, is higher on the Org chart than I am. And this person created drama (involving me) that was basically bullshit. And to be honest, that ruined my whole stay there.

But, in any case, it was great to see some people that I hardly get to see, since they're in the field. The really cool thing is seeing all the people that were involved or "in the know" standing behind me. They'd pull me aside all week and tell me that they supported me and to stand strong. It was a beautiful thing.

When I got home, I asked Brittany to come over. I really wanted that peace of having someone around to just hang out. I fell asleep a couple times, and when she finally left, I passed out. I didn't wake up until noon the next day. I was so out of it.

This week have sucked, so far. I'm so annoyed I'm not even going to write about it. But I guess the only comfort I have is that if I bide my time, the issues that are pissing myself will be fixed. I just hope I can last until then.

I’m still alive…in a sense.

Wow. I've been completely swamped at work.

While my position isn't glorious or complicated, I do get occasional surges of deadline-driven work. Mostly due to quarterly meetings, big-wig meetings and what-not. Let's be clear. Leading up to the last 3 weeks, I've had a super-easy job. My reports were somewhat easy to do (easy to do, yet painfully manual and tedious due to the nature of the database we use at work… nothing is consistent or common, it seems), I work with super-chill people and I didn't have anyone ever breath down my neck (still don't).

But, leading up to the last month or so, I've been swamped with requests for data to support the Top-to-Top meeting (meeting between the heads of my company and the client), Quarterly DSM meeting, meeting between the Client's VP of Sales and our leadership (which I knew wouldn't require anything from me, but still I stressed a little about studying reports and data. Just in case!) and now the National Sales Meeting.

Again, let's be clear, much of it is self-induced stress. Never have my bosses or co-workers pressured me or stressed me out. At least, not directly. Although, I DO have a certain person in the program that has a problem with a lot of the stuff I do. Rationally, I don't care. Yet, I can't deny that I get irritated somewhere deep down.

It's a little bit of frustration from seeing how far behind the curve I am compared to some people I respect very much. While I'm not required to think like they do, I still have issues with thinking of the details. When I was at T-Mobile, I could run programs from beginning to finish. There are so many little variables in this program that I don't even think about. Jeremy is constantly going, "Did you remember about…" or "What about"… He does it in a very nice way, though.

That guy is freak'n amazing. His attention to detail is staggering. And while a lot of times I won't think of something until I've thought about it for a little bit, he'll pick that shit out from the very beginning. And he's never given me shit about it. He either points it out in a nice way or asks me leading questions until I realize it myself. And then there's Tim… uber-laid back and dedicated. I deal less with him since I do more pure data stuff, while he's the Merch Manager. But I know that if I have a question about something, he's got the answer when it comes to merchandising or fulfillment.

I see these guys and realize that I suck at operations. I've always been better at organizing and communicating. At T-Mobile, I'd get the reports and get a group of my people together to plan how we'd respond. Then, I'd work to organize all of them or liaison with other parties that needed to be involved. I thought I was hot shit because I knew the answers or knew how to get the answers. I was the common link between everyone.

But that's not the same here… I'm constantly playing catch-up.

I think I've gotten a bit of influence. But I know there are limits. There are certain personality types that I have a hard time working with. I don't like pushing them. Perhaps I'm a bit conservative with them. But I honestly believe that although I've gained a bit of respect from some quarters, I don't have everyone's respect. And I sure as hell don't have the position weight to back me up. So I have to choose my words and actions carefully.

It'd be much easier if people could speak clearly and not have to worry about giving offense, people "feelings" and the bullshit politics. I swear, the most inconsequential action can lead to someone throwing a mental bitch-fit. Sending an email out to a given group of people can spark a "situation" because it wasn't sent by someone of a certain "rank".

GROW THE FUCK UP.

On the flip-side, I completely understand people over-stepping their position. Some of us don't know details or even have an idea of what's going on in other aspects of the program. And I'm pretty confident I don't try to speak about something I'm not involved with without stating that the person I'm talking to should get more details or clarification from those that are the experts in that aspect. I do have a problem when people speak about things they don't know about and then get things messed up or bringing a subject up and not knowing anything about it. That just leads to what we like to call a Monkey Knife Fight (MKF).

Which leads me to another thing… People respond better when you don't try and force yourself into something. So many people in this program try to insert themselves into something. If something doesn't have anything to do with them, they'll still try and get involved. The funniest thing, is I hardly ask, "Can I be a part of that?" And yet, I get into quite a few things I don't need or want to be involved with. I don't necessarily have a problem, mind you. I just wish people didn't act like fucking piranhas so much. Shit will come to you. Relax.

Anyway, back to the subject… A company that supports the Client in a different way also had a Program Manager they just hired. The guy may be good. I just wish he wasn't so passive-aggressive with me. I'm probably splitting hairs, but there's a lot of reasons why I do certain things the way I do. My reports evolved through the needs of the end users. Granted, 60 percent of the data on one report comes from this guy's company. However, he's been trying to change little things. These little things make a big impact to the reporting or what you can do with it.

Actually, I'm glad he pushes me. At least he's thinking about it. But he keeps pushing back on the same things over and over. Perhaps he just needs time to learn it and then understand it. I don't think I've been rude yet. I just need to continue explaining and perhaps try a different way to explaining. Perhaps I just need to have him sit down with me more so he can see it and I can explain it more and more.

I just hope he isn't so aggressive with others. Because I can see some people who may not take to it very well, regardless of their level of politeness. He's kinda straddled the line a few times, already, in my mind.

Anyway, so I have to work with him to build out programs and reporting that will help the Client, and I've been a little worried because I haven't dedicated enough time to doing that. I really need to get on the ball.

There's a lot going on (even stuff I haven't written about). But no matter what, I can't complain because I don't have it nearly as bad as Jeremy, Tim or the Client.

The annoying thing? Every once in a while, I still think about how if I stayed at T-Mobile, how the new upper management would've allowed me to take the National Operations Manager (NOM) position remotely. I would've made significantly more money (and perks!) and I would've been confident in what I was doing.

Funny that in approx a year, I was the fucking king in the Indirect Channel operations at T-Mobile. And in just under a year, here, I'm still trying to get my feet under me.

FUCK.

Wow, it's been a while...

As I wait for my salmon to broil, I offer this up: yeah, people can put you down. But sometimes, that's good for you.

Use it.

Use it to scoff when you're not good enough for them. Use it to fuel your workout. Use it to fuel your ambition. Use it to LEARN. Use it to understand why it's GOOD that they think of you like that, because you deserve better.

You may view me as pathetic or hard-up. Thanks. Keep it coming. It'll only help me.

Hidden Away

I’ve been in a pissy mood and I don’t know why
No, I don’t want to slash my wrists or even cry
I scream at stupid drivers and run’em off the road
Make stupid girls shut up and choke on a load
I’m just so sick of how everything must look
Or what fucking new supplement you took

But I think it’s all because I’m jealous and hateful
I’m not attractive or appealing
Not powerful or graceful

I pretend I’m PG13 and nice
But really, I have many a vice
I have a dirty and kinky mind of my own
I like to make a girl pant, scream and moan
I’m just like any other guy
Why hide it? Why try?

A façade of good and truth is what I show
What I am truly like inside,
You’ll never know




That was shitty, I know. I’m just frustrated, deep-down. I have a good job and I have fun. But I have to admit, deep down, I’m frustrated. I want some intimacy. Doesn’t need to be sexual (although, ideal). But SOMETHING. A girlfriend, a friend with benefits, a good friend… SOMETHING.

I'm in no position to judge, but if some of the truly vile and unattractive guys I've seen (both physically and mentally) can land a girl, why can't I?

I'm a truly personality-driven guy. Yes, physical beauty is key. But if a girl's mind is attractive, that makes her physically hot to me, too.

And yet, I can't find a girl that won't get over some physical feature that is on her "must-have" list. The best thing? They're fucking hypocrites about that shit.

FUCK YOU.

It’s NOT a Fucking Club!

What's with me lately?  I've been so full of anger and annoyance to the general public.  Hell, even with my "friends". 

Seems like only a few people don't get on my nerves easily.  Ironically, they're mostly my coworkers.  I get along with them VERY well.  Oh, can't forget a random girl on the internet that I don't even really know, yet "talk" on the phone, text or IM at night.  Pretty sad, huh?

Example?

Well, today, I was buying a new shirt for work (my current supply is getting a bit threadbare) and the cashier was Filipino.  And I KNEW it was coming.  And, like 99.9995% of the time, she didn't disappoint.  Immediately, she asked, "Are you Filipino?"  Although, Filipino was pronounce in the typical heavily accented way: Pbill-a-pbino.  Apparently P's give them a hard time and they have to pronounce it in a hybrid P and B smashed together.

I have to admit, somewhere, deep down inside, remains the racist guy.  Racist against "my own kind".  I used to be so anti-Asian and Pacific Islander due to the way you were "expected" to act and be interested in.  Just like a Mexican or Black person.  So I was as "White" as possible.

Now, I'm over that.  I just get annoyed when people expect me to act a certain way or do the prejudiced thing.  Like, I MUST know hip-hop music or drive a rice rocket. 

And I'm sorry, I have problems understanding really heavy and thick accents.  Especially if you're a 2nd or 3rd generation citizen.  I'm fine with you conversing in another language.  Hell, be proud to have some other culture and heritage.  But don't limit yourself.  I honestly believe (misguided as you may think) that Asians with heavy accents (who are 3rd generation) signifies that they were raised with only other Asians and their lives revolve around that culture.  It's not even an Asian-American culture.  It's a bastardized Asian culture.  As if, they were transplanted and have to make due with their situation. 

Anyway, the cashier at Macy's asked me if I was Filipino.  What, is it a FUCKING CLUB?  Is Macy's running a Filipino Fifty, where they get 50% off?  And here's the thing, most of the time, it's not going to result in anything.  They're not going to slip you a discount or anything.  They just want to know. 

If you say you are, they give you a knowing smile and nod.  Like you've been elevated in their eyes, suddenly. Can you imagine a White person doing that?  Lawsuit for racism.

Fuck that. 

So I did what I used to always do.  I said, "No." 

She asked, "Oh, what are you?"  Apparently she didn't believe me. 

"I'm American."

"No, what nationality, are you?"

"American," I answered in clipped tones.

"You look Asian."

Like the asshole I can be, I said, "I'm sure I do.  But I'm an American citizen."

She, in a little bit of heat, said, "No, where you were born."

Truthfully, I said, "In A-mer-i-ca."

And, to piss her off, I added, "If you're asking me about my biological ancestry or biological nationality is, I'm Japanese, Vietnamese and Hawaiian."  (I threw in the biological nationality, because I'm fully aware that by some definitions, Nationality is "from a common place of origin.").

So, she said in a pissed off voice (accented, of course), "Why you so difficult?"

So, again, loving my asshole-ness, I replied in a dead calm voice, "Because it's none of your business what the hell I am.  Does my biological makeup make a difference in the type of service I get?  Are you going to ring me up faster?  This whole time we could've finished this transaction, anyway.  But, if I'm being too difficult, I can talk to a manager or supervisor and see what they think.  And if they ask me my ancestry, I'll tell them the same thing and ask them why it's relevent."

She was silent after that. 

The best thing, was that hot woman behind me had a smirk on her face when I turned to leave.  Later, I saw her in the mall and she and I laughed about it.  Had a good conversation about it, too.  I explained why I was such a dick and she was fascinated at my proclimation that fully 90% of Filipinos will ask someone they think is Filipino if they are one within 5 minutes of a conversation (and 95% of that group, 99% of them will ask it in the first or second sentence).

Anyway, shit like that irritates the FUCK out of me. 

I get irritated when cashiers at the grocery store pay more attention to chatting with their coworkers than fucking ringing me up.  If the line is waiting for more than 30 seconds so you can finish your thought to your coworker before you can even pick up the next product to scan, I authorize you to take a shotgun to the mouth and pull the fucking trigger. 

I get irritated when people have a warped sense of reality and everything is a conspiracy.  When someone says one thing and they make it completely something different in their minds.

There's so much more...

FUCK.  I'm so annoyed with shit, lately.  Grrr.

Hello, Asshole. Haven’t seen you in a while.

I've come to realize I'm starting to go back to being the intolerant man I have periodically been. I joke about being an asshole. But I really CAN be one. And I'm starting to feel myself moving close to that. On a side note, does this mean girls will now find me attractive? Haha.

Seriously, though, I've seen a lot of it recently. For instance, last night…

We were at my friend and his wife's new house and the usual suspects were there. I turned into a semi loner. I couldn't handle Jonathan or his kids. For completely different reasons. One of his boys is a spoiled brat. I can't stand that kid. He lies constantly. And Jonathan… Where do I begin?

You know, everyone in that group thinks he's knows a lot of things. We're all experts of whatever we saw on tv or read on the internet. We argue long and loudly all the time about something or another. But Jonathan… He has this slightly skewed sense of reality. And every time he has some "epiphany", I don't know if I should concentrate on not laughing in his face or try not to throw up. And when he comes up with his brilliant ideas or conclusions, he seems to think it's universal. And you HAVE to agree with him. If you don't, you're just in denial.

I spent last night avoiding him and the other friends because they all speak VERY loudly. They don't know how to talk with any sense of "normal" volume. And I just wasn't in the mood for it. The downside was that Steve's sisters were there and I came off as if I were trying to flirt with them. Not really. They're nice girls. And they're closer to my age. I've always gotten along better with girls, so I guess it was natural.

But not only Jonathan and his kids demonstrated my inability to demonstrate patience and tolerance. Heather's friend/co-worker was there. This guy seemed to dislike me for some reason (okay, he doesn't NEED a reason, I know). He was one of those, "well, actually…" kind of guys. You know, the one that thinks they know all about technical shit and thinks he's correcting you? Yeah, sounds like me. But I honestly think I don't come across as quite so condescending.

Fucker tried to "correct" me on a couple things. For instance, he tried to say that the iPhone already supported Exchange. Ummm, no. Not to the general public. That doesn't come out until the firmware update. Which is July 11^th.

Or, the one time when he asked Josh about their dSLR. I mentioned I had one too. He thought I had a Canon. When I mentioned that I had a Nikon, he condescendingly said, "I'm sorry." He may very well been joking. But then he followed it up with something along the lines of, "They suck." So I mentioned, "Funny, since they've beat Canon in most objective reviews every time…" Josh, who normally loves to argue with me, actually joined in and said he knew his mom, who is a pretty serious amateur photographer, said that the Nikon imaging is better. While that doesn't constitute a deciding vote, it definitely shut this guy up on that matter.

And the rest of the night, he kept making these kind of comments. That, and he was judgmental. And not only that, he seemed like he lacked some real-world social knowledge. It's like he'd never been around people who got drunk. Rick got hammered. And while Rick can be obnoxious or a dick when he's drunk, he wasn't too far out of line. But this guy turned to us and warily asked if he'd be okay to drive. It's so hard to describe.

I'm being a total dick, but he seemed like your typical nerdy/dorky IT administrator (which he is, by the way). I swear, he had the look and personality of your negatively thought of Dungeons and Dragons player that spends his free time trawling the internet looking for the coolest way to pimp out his Linux server.

While I am a geek myself, and love all things gadget-like, I humbly feel like I don't exude "dork". I love my Star Trek and can tell you all about dilithium crystals that power the various Enterprises, along with the phase buffer to the transporter array, to the various ship-classes of each of the Enterprises, I don't look like it. For a while, I was into Star Wars and I can tell you the backstory to all of the Expanded Universe characters. I watched Farscape and completely LOVED Firefly (ironically, I got it into it after it got cancelled). I can tell you, with confidence, all the events that happened in Stargate SG1 and Stargate Atlantis.

And yet, with all of this, I temper it with the fact that not everything in life is an analogy to some episode or movie from SciFi. I know that not everyone wants to know about how easy it is to re-image your hard drive and pull over a saved profile so that you can get back your system and all its preferences.

I have to admit, I was happy he left. In his defense, they said he was on a whole bunch of medications. But, generally, people in that profession, that social life and that personality, I doubt his rudeness was due to medication.

Let's be clear. We're all assholes (my friends). But we're not too bad with people we haven't met before. The derision and name calling doesn't start until we know you're not going to cry like a baby.

 

And tonight, I saw this guy who irritated the hell out of me. Wearing a tight, sleeveless muscle shirt, he was telling the starbucks workers how they should work out. They CLEARLY could care less. And then he pulls out all his shit (laptop, webcam, retard headphones w/ mic boom, etc…). He looked over to a girl sitting next to him and tried to impress her with his "knowledge" of electronics. He was telling her that he works wirelessly through the "airwaves". Apparently his laptop has a built-in cellular service that works with Starbucks sites and he does all sorts of technical stuff.

Let's be clear, here. Yes, cellular connection for laptops DO exist. But I know his didn't have it. I could tell because he had the same series of laptop as mine (which doesn't offer a cellular connection option). He was referring to his WiFi card. Dumbass.

He looked at me and asked if I had the same thing. I wanted to call him out on his bullshit, but I just simply said I didn't have it. He then looked at the girl and smirked at her and said, "He probably couldn't afford it." I scoffed at him and then ignored him. Apparently, he didn't like that, so he called out to me again and asked what my problem was. I don't normally make judgments on how people look, but I'd mentally suspected he didn't make that much money. So I responded that it had nothing to do with money. I then mentioned that this series didn't have cellular. He got uppity on me and said, "Okay asshole, why do I have it." I just laughed at him and said, "Sorry, but you don't." So he got flustered and said, "Well how do I connect on the internet?" and smiled, looking at the girl.

And, like a fucking classic movie scene, she jumped in and said, "Probably because you're using WiFi. If it was cellular, you could do it anywhere, not just Starbucks." So then he became an asshole to her, and said, "Well, then why do I subscribe to T-Mobile?" So I explained to him the concept that WiFi isn't always free and up until recently, T-Mobile had a deal with Starbucks for WiFi access. To which, he challenged me, "How do you know about the service?" As to which, in my infinite satisfaction, replied, "Because I used to work for T-Mobile. Anything else you want me to educate you on?"

He shut up and left after that. And the girl and I laughed pretty damn hard.

My point in that story is that if a person is just confused and is semi-nice, I wouldn't have been such a dick about it. But I really hated that guy.

I'm starting to hate people. And it's easier and easier for me.

 

My musical taste is starting shift again. I've got the yearning for depressing music. I'm pretty fucking sure I'll listen to nothing but AFI soon. They helped me out A LOT when I was upset, depressed and generally hateful towards everything and everyone. I find myself bitter for being alone.

I'm trying not to turn into that person I don't like. But, it's going to be hard, I fear.

 

 

Let’s Play

It's burning within and out of control
When I'm ready to sing, you'll know
I wanna rock and nod my head
Keep going, even when I'm dead
Let's make'm sing and shout
What's inside, it's coming out

Let's put on a rock show
More we play, our fans grow
It's about how we rock
Not the size of your cock
Playing riffs of the gods
We'll rock, against all odds

Fuck it all, let's just play!
Who give's a fuck what they say?
Cover some Face, Foo or Sublime
I'll sing every single fucking line

I'm ready to get on stage and play
I'll play all night and all fucking day
I want to move and dance along
I want to scream every single song
Every word I sing, they'll know
Because the music, beyond control


As you can tell, I've been listening to a lot of good music.  Punk, punk-pop, alternative, hard core, etc...  It's all fucking rock 'n roll.  Hell yeah.

This one sucks.  Davey sent me some music and I wanted to write something that accompanied it.  Hey, I never said I was a good at lyrics/poems!  LOL. Does make me want to get the band back together, though. I'd sing my heart out on this one. Davey's music writing on the instrumental is pretty damn good.

 

Johnny Jones

 

Look at him,

Like a prow cresting a wave

Johnny Jones is on the stage

He leads the crowd like a minaret

Power greatest, after the sun has set

 

Hear his voice and song

All wanting to belong

Sing the chorus, sway to the beat

Burning within, an inner heat

Johnny cries out to the skies

Singing to the distant sunrise

 

Can you hear the hypnotic hymn?

 

He's live'n his dream

Leading them all in harmony

Doesn't matter if he's off-key

They're feeling the magic of it all

They all hear the same inner call

 

Hear him sing with his heart

Who cares about the chart?

Arms raised in the same rapture

Hearts and minds, does he capture

The more they sing, his pleasure grows

The song meanings, nobody knows

 

His name is Johnny Jones…

For Some Reason, I Keep Blaming My Deficiencies On My Past

This week, I've realized how ridiculous I am when it comes to women. I lock up in complete fear when I talk to them, wanting to ask them out.

So here's my psycho-babble about why I am that way:

I'm going to start with high school. Although a MAJOR part of it is how my mother treated me and the draconian limitations she had me on, that's a whole 'nother story. No, this story begins completely with Valerie. The earliest I knew of Valerie was in our freshman year. If I remember correctly, Albert and I were in 4^th period gym (which sucked, getting all sweaty in the heat in the middle of the fucking day, with another 2 periods to go).

Albert and Valerie broke up later that year. From what I remember, it wasn't anything that was a big issue. They just realized they didn't really like each other (which cracks me up. Remember your feelings back then? How trivial those relationships seem. For me, at least!). The weird thing, was that even though there was no ill feelings towards each other, Valerie avoided him like the plague. Some of us had thought it was that she'd found something out about him or realized some repugnant truth. But from her own mouth, she just had issues with being around him. Inexplicable, she admitted.

Fast forward to the beginning of senior year: Albert was my best friend (which, actually, just consisted that we tended to hang out at school all the time… years later, I think we both realized we didn't have much in common, nor cared that much about each other. Which, explains why high school seemed so lame to me… I have no attachments, really), I'm starting to party a little (when I can escape my psycho mother) and I've had more and more classes with Valerie.

Valerie and I talk a little in classes and she's a nice girl. I find her pretty, when others are focusing on the slutty-looking girls. She seems composed and calm, rather than the annoying attention-whores that made up my classes. And trust me, the available pool for me was SMALL. Most of my classes were for AP or Honors and I tended to like only the white girls (or white-washed). Valerie was a technically Mexican, but like me, almost as white as can be. She was a cheerleader. She could be funny at times. She had no problems listening.

So I started to like her. And I desperately tried to hide it. Up until then, I'd been 50/50 with girls. But she was the first girl that I liked who I'd been friend with, originally. And I didn't want her to be weirded out. So for months, I secretly liked her, but didn't make a move. Somehow, deep down, I knew she'd freak out.

Well, I guess someone was watching me look at her one day and figured it out. They told her. And she avoided me. From that day on, if she saw me nearby, she'd completely walk away at least 15 to 20 feet away and continue on her way.

I was devastated. I didn't even try to ask her out on a date. I never tried to kiss her or even hug her. Granted, I knew how she'd react, given how she treated Albert. But, when you're somewhat slow in developing due to being overseas most of your childhood (that's a whole other chapter, as well), you can't wrap your head around that. I retreated into a self-depressed ball. Hell, a sophomore had to force me to go with her to prom, because I was so freaked out about approaching ANY girl. The stupid thing was that I didn't even appreciate my time with Sarah. She was actually a really hot sophomore. But I knew she didn't want me to miss out on my senior prom (not to mention, she'd be one of the few sophomores to go to prom), and I was gun-shy about any interaction with a girl.

Come to think about it, she was a treasure. She was patient and led me around that night. She initiated every dance. She pulled me to her group of upper-class friends (I sort of knew them, as well) to socialize. She politely told me, "YES, I wouldn't mind hanging out and going to the after-party." We both knew that we didn't like each other. But she still treated me like a very caring friend. In a way, she treated me like a mother and her wounded boy. Funny, since she was only a sophomore. Yes, guys, women DO mature quicker.

Time went on. My wounds healed. But I still froze up around women.

College started and I made a conscious decision to not regret anything. I'd stay away from shy, embarrassed James from high school. I forced myself to be outgoing. I was one of those guys that had the party life revolving around him. My friends used to joke that I was the central hub from various groups of friends. There was ALWAYS something going on, for me. Everywhere we went, we'd run into someone I knew. Every night, there was some party or hang out we'd be at. And I met some really cool girls. I had a good track record of relationships. While none of them lasted very long, I doubt any of us expected it to. I think they all knew I was a "safe guy" that wouldn't force anything or try and make it more than it was. Not one of those relationships ended in a fight or ill will.

But then I met, Leslie. She fucked with my head. She said she had feelings for me, but couldn't break up with her boyfriend. I was okay with that. But she kept pursuing me. HUH?!

And, like a retard, I fell for it. So began and off and on weird flirtatious semi-relationship. We'd go out on dates, but there was no kissing. We'd hug and hold hands, but we didn't do anything else. She'd say that her and the boyfriend were separated, but not officially done, so we couldn't progress any more, just in case. And because I was in "love" (you know how it is… you don't know shit when you're young), I was happy just to be with her and I would take what I could get.

And she played me for a year. As a friend, I'd be her counselor. She'd come to me with advice for her boyfriend. And because I always want to be a friend first, I would advise her. And she would work things out with him. Then, when they'd fight, she'd come to me as a substitute. She'd tell me how she had feelings for me. We'd have the physical intimacy, without pushing the line. Finally, she broke up with her boyfriend.

Only to get with another guy.

What a fucking idiot I was. I totally let her walk over me. My old friends used to debate over whether she really did care for me or if it was just using me the whole time. I dunno.

Years later, and some actually good relationships, I met Nicole. Nicole was a friend of a friend. I met her and she was younger and just going to CSULB. She was a Delta Gamma, so we had the greek thing in common. She was "on the outs" with her boyfriend, who wanted to get with his ex girlfriend. We'd flirted the first time we met, so we kept it up via IM. Which progressed to phone conversations. Then we both realized we liked to fall asleep with people with us (for me, I used to have a really bad nightmares due to something that happened that fucked me up. I felt more at peace when I had people around me while going to sleep). So I invited her over for a nap, and from then on, we'd nap together for a couple weeks, constantly.

I was attracted to her, but she was still in the grey area with her boyfriend. I didn't make any moves. Then, one day, she just grabbed my head and pulled my face into a kiss with her. It was both hot/sexy and caring/loving. We'd grown close that first month, since we spent somewhere around 12 hours a day with each other (anytime we didn't work). Things progressed quickly. But we never became official. I was certain she was rebounding. Plus, from our mutual friends, I knew she had problems with relationships. I guess her parents' divorce kind of fucked her up. The longest she'd stay interested in a guy was 4 months or so.

But she pushed. And she got me to fall for her. But then, for some reason, she pressed me to have The Talk. And when we had it, she told me she wasn't ready. I was like, "Huh?" Why would YOU press to have the talk, if you didn't want it to be official? I was fine with that. Except she'd always act like I was The One. But then she started hanging out with other guys. I was fine with that. We weren't official. I didn't have any hold on her.

She started messing around with them, but still wanted me to be exclusive with her. Which, it wasn't like I was going out and trying to sleep with every girl I knew. But it was such a double standard. And she'd told me she loved me. Ummm, sorry if I found that hard to believe.

Finally, she started having the itch to have a relationship, I guess. So she dropped a bomb on me and told me she wanted to date one of our mutual friends. So I told her I couldn't be around her. I didn't want to expose myself to that drama. Normally, I have no jealousy problems or comfortability issues with former girlfriends or lovers. But she played with my head so much. Not to mention, the guy she was into was a really immature, annoying guy.

Then, inevitably, she broke up with him. She sought me out and promised me she knew what she wanted and she wanted me. She said I was caring, I listened, fit her in bed and understood her like no one else ever had. So I gave her a chance, but I couldn't be played again. Either we were friends with benefits or in a relationship. No lies.

She chose us being an exclusive relationship. So we were fine. I could've gone either way, as long as there were no games. Well, that didn't last long.

She wanted to go with her ex boyfriend (the one she was with when I met her), who realized he wasn't happy with the girl he left Nikki for. I had enough of that, and I washed my hands of her.

Ever since then, I've had confidence issues with women. It's like, either I get the ones who have "requirements" in physical attributes or I get the ones who fuck me over.

My best friend (well, no longer, I guess) used to tell me it's because I treat women so well, that they know I'm "safe." I won't hurt them. It's like I'm a safe haven when things are bad. I bring their self-confidence up, until they're ready to go back into the world. And girls don't like nice-guys. They want the asshole-macho-badasses. So I'm just a safe haven for the girls who have issues.

Add up all of that and you have why I suck with women.

And… queue the violins!

 

It’s getting pathetic…

I've turned into a pansy. I find myself outwardly going on as usual. Cracking the same jokes and acting like I own the world with my co-workers. But somewhere deep down, I'm feeling a sadness that runs deep.

And when I'm alone or when my office door is closed, I find myself drifting off… Sometimes, I'm just numb and blank. I don't snap out of it until some sort of stimulus prompts me. And even then, sometimes the phone ringing, either of my phones going off in a text message or email, or a co-worker leaning their heads in to speak to me… even then, I sometimes am still consumed.

For a long time, Kelley was everything. She was my only true friend. She was the only family I had. When I was so down on life and feeling sorry for myself over something stupid (like now, probably), she was the only one there.

And to know that that's gone? I have no idea how to function… I mean, she's sort of been absent for a while now. But there was hope that it was just a phase. But now that it's definitive and "official"…

How do you get over a TRUE friend of 10 years? How do you react when you find out that they don't really care about you anymore and your friendship has degraded into nothing? When they basically prefer a booty call, someone to hang out with, a boyfriend placeholder and a person to take to "couples nights" to over someone that has always been there for you and would drop everything for? When you, yourself said that I was the best friend you've ever had and I was too good of a friend and nobody deserved a friend like me? When you told me that girls would never know how great of a boyfriend I'd make, since you'd been there to see each relationship and how I treated my friends and lovers.

So, I find myself pondering this: how do you react? How do you go on?

And, at the same time, I wonder: when did I become a whiny fucking pansy?

What happened?

I'm feeling far from manly, right now. I feel… I don't even know.

My best friend, someone I've known for 10 years (which, for me, is a lifetime… long story, I'll explain some other time), has basically forgotten me. And, I've found out, isn't really worrying about it. All for a guy that's been a dick to her (and, no, this is not the same girl I Twittered about early tonight, Jake) and she doesn't even really love. Hell, she doesn't even call him her boyfriend, since they're not really together.

I think they're both using each other for the companionship and the sex. Nothing wrong with either of those. But to forget your friends?

For the first time, she's not there for me. I've always been there for her and I've always dropped everything for her. But now she's basically forgotten me. And for him?

I think I'm going to shut myself away a little. It's a total whiny baby thing to do. It probably signifies some sort of mental weakness. But you have no idea what friendships mean to me. You have no idea the significance of it all to me. I place my heart in their hands. They are my family. And of all my friends, she stood above all others.

I feel numb. I feel… I don't even know. I may not respond or talk for a while. Please don't take it the wrong way.

Another piece of me has crumbled. And now I have to gather myself and try to salvage what little trust in friends I have left.

Memo to self: get more single friends, or find a girl to date. It was nice to actually spend my weekend with people. I miss that.

Awesome Co-Workers

I seriously appreciate the fact that I have some awesome co-workers. James, the ultimate boss is probably the best manager I've ever had the pleasure to have worked with. Jeremy astounds me with his ability to be on top of everything. And Tim's the kind of guy that's amazingly good-natured and super laid-back.

Every day, I have a lot of fun with these guys. We make fun of everything and everyone. We make fun of each other. And we have fun doing it.

Lately, we've been hanging out with each other after work. The driving range to hit a couple balls, Taylor's for a cigar, Joe Jost's for a schooner and some pool, etc…

Good times with these guys. I hope that if I go somewhere else, I'll be able to find this dynamic again.

I've come to realize that I need to get laid.

That is all. You may return to your day.

I'm a Motherfucking Director

I've always known I'm an asshole. But yesterday, sitting in an IT meeting, I realized how much of an asshole I REALLY was.

After the first 5 minutes of minutia that was divulged about a product solution that another analyst and I politely dismissed, the proposing company still tried to salvage their proposal. To be honest, we granted them quite a bit of professional courtesy. We allowed them to keep going and didn't really make them look like idiots.

The moment, though, that I realized how much of an I am was when 30 minutes into their pitch, I realized that Unibrow Chick, Thick Accent What-The-Fuck-Did-You-Say Chick and Nerdy Bobble Head Guy all were talking about real shit. And that real shit was something they were taking VERY seriously. That was money for them. For all I know, that was desperately needed business to keep their business afloat. Who knows?

You see, I stopped respecting them as people when I got irritated listening to the desperate tone of the Thick Accent What-The-Fuck-Did-You-Say Chick trying to persuade us that Microsoft's Reporting Services could do what we wanted (to which I'll let you know, it can't). I starting making up little plays in my mind. And the three characters that were sitting across the conference table were the main stars. Lavish contrived scenarios were played out, one after another.

And this was all because of two things:

One: I lost respect for them because of their undignified desperate attempt at trying to convince us of something when our minds were made up. Granted, I have respect for someone being passionate and fighting for what they want. But when a potential client tells you, "No," it's pretty cut and dry. And in addition, I have no respect for people who try and con clients into using their services, when something else exists.

You see, what they do is help other companies set up reporting and databases. The problem is that they only know a couple key programs. And they'll try and make everything fit into the confines of those programs, regardless of if the programs are a good match or not. It's like using a wheelbarrow for a wheelchair. You can do it. You'd require a friend to lift and push you to the right location, to move around though. That's sort of what they're trying to do.

And the second thing: Because I can be a judgmental asshole. You know how I get all annoyed about how I'm dismissed because of my height (or, lack thereof)?

HYPOCRITE!

I couldn't get over Unibrow Chick's neanderthalish qualities. A heavy brow completely emphasized by her thick, heavy hairy eyebrows that although clearly two separate entities, could be confused as one singular masterpiece of stereotypical Armenian racial joke. Not only did they encroach upon each other, there was some light hair in other people's gap of the no-man's-land of eyebrows. For this woman, Pyscho Mike's Brow Down kept playing in my head the WHOLE time (if you've never seen it, go to YouTube and search for Brow Down). That masterpiece from the Kevin and Bean show perfectly described this lady.

The next woman that earns my assholeness ire was the Thick Accent What-The-Fuck-Did-You-Say Chick. While no beauty herself, aural issues were her problem. Her accent was so thick, that I couldn't fucking figure out what the hell she was saying. I'm sorry, this is complete asshole right here, but why the fuck would you take a chick that could barely get out English to a meeting to sell your services? She brought NO VALUE to the meeting. All she did was keep trying to keep bringing the conversation back to using MS Reporting Services (at least, that's what I think she kept saying… We couldn't really tell). This served only to piss off Becky. And Becky's not the type of person to piss off.

Finally, there was the Nerdy Bobble Head Guy. While I'm as much of a dorky nerd as anyone out there, at least I look semi-normal (yes, that's debatable). This guy had a the typical, white-boy early-90's wall street haircut (think Christian Bale in American Pyscho. The PERFECT visualization of this guy's hair). With this guy, the hair made his head look massive on his body. Perhaps it was the tie cinched tightly that accentuated his scrawny neck. And when he nodded his head every time we made a statement or point… well, you get the idea.

All these were judgments. Granted, I stand behind my evaluation of their poor preparation and presentation skills (not to mention, general business knowledge). But, even if they were super smart, I'd still be seeing them act out several scenes in my head.

HAHA. I still see them.

Date?

So there I was, on a "date" with a girl who I knew within 15 minutes that she wasn't my type, and I was in a quandary. I could be a dick and really try and work on dating her to get laid. Because she WAS pretty fucking hot. And man, if she said, let's have some care-free sex, I'd have to say I'd be completely okay with that. It HAS been a while since I've gone down on a woman, and I thoroughly enjoy that.

Okay, back to the story…

She kept talking about being a strong activist and a strong woman. I'm all for that. But she seemed to be a romantic. You know, like a kid who romanticized the idea of being a soldier fighting for his country (keep in mind, I have no problems with that, since I AM an Army brat). It sort of felt like she was brainwashed into being the eco-terrorist, feminist, political activist.

Again, I have no problems with those sorts of people. They're voicing their opinion, just like I could if I wanted to. But I'm not a fan of people who do it because they were convinced or believe it's a cool thing to do.

Do it because you BELIEVE.

And, sorry, but listening to her talk… I doubt she understood much of what she was talking about. Most of her talk was that sort of scripted monologue that people who think they're informed, but aren't, say.

But, damn, I really wouldn't have minded hoping in the sack with her! Hahaha. Man, I can be such a "guy".

Need Another Getaway Trip

I need another trip to get away from things. Haha. You know, you go for so long oblivious to anything that might be wrong... But then, things come up again that remind you of the things that bother you.

When I first got this job, I went fishing up in Big Bear with 3 of my co-workers (one, my direct boss. another, the Big Boss). And it was the most fun I've had in a LONG time. I'd only known them for two weeks, but we knew we all would get along well.

We didn't catch a damn thing. It was too fucking cold. 36 degrees in the sun. But we still went out there and fished. We talked and joked around. Told stories about people who were on the program before I got there. We watched comedies and played video games on one of our projectors with an 80 inch screen (gotta love well-done portable projectors and screens!). We just had fun. We relaxed.

I need another trip like that. No worries about work, money or love life (or lack of a love life). I think I'll talk to the guys about it tomorrow. Maybe we'll even go this month...

Add Another Hash Mark on the Chalkboard

Once again, I'm reminded about how much I hate attraction. In that, I mean, I hate how subjective it is. I hate how things can automatically rule you out, regardless of the "real" you.

Oh, fuck it. Let's be real. I'm just bitter I'm not some tall, model-looking guy. Assholes and dicks tend to get the girl, because I don't fit "the type". And I don't blame them at all. I don't blame a girl for following what she's attracted to. I don't blame a guy for using his wares to get the girl.

I guess this stems from a reaction I got earlier. Was IM'ing someone and she had the typical reaction when she found out my height. And that just re-awakened all of the past times where my physical shortcomings fucked me over. I'm okay with being short. Really, "accepting yourself for who you are" is something I've come to peace with a long time ago. For me, it's the fact that opportunities are lost.

You could say that if someone doesn't accept you for who you are, you shouldn't be with them. But you never know when it could have been something great, because of a small thing. You never know…

Anyway, I've long since stopped looking for a girl. I've been tired of having to subjugate myself to the constant rejection and dismissals. I'll probably never find a girl like that. They say that sometimes you have to fight for what you want. I'm too tired to fight.

 

On a side note, what's with all of the depressing posts?! When do we get to the fun shit?

Thinkers and Dreamers

There are those who think
And there are those who dream
Then there are many of those
Who aren't what they seem

There are those who laugh
And there are those who cry
Then there are some who stoop
Who doubt those who would fly

There are those who comfort
And there are those who hate
Then there are a few who doubt
Those who would believe in fate

Which one are you?
Do you seek to be more?
To be better than those,
Those who have come before?

There are those who think
And there are those who dream
Life in every breath and moment,
That's what your life should mean

~Jaymz

Hello and welcome to my odd little world.

Hello, Boys and Girls! Gather 'round, gather 'round! 'Tis story time and Uncle James has a grand story to tell. Let me tell you about a boy and his fucked up existence…

Yes, a new blog. This will be somewhere around my 11^th blog that I've created. For a long time, I had three that I maintained quite religiously for 5 to 6 years straight. But those became empty of any meaning to me. You see, one was an outlet for my "inner poet" (shut the hell up! I know it sounds lame!). The next was an outlet for my sexual wants, needs, desires, successes and pleasures. I felt the need for anonymity, for I was over concerned with how people viewed me and the kinky things I thought up of or experienced with girlfriends, lovers, fuck buddies or one-night stands. The last blog, was my attempt in reconciling the different sides of myself.

You see, the "poet" had a small fan base that viewed me as a romantic and a gentleman. He had ideals and morals. His thoughts were sometimes viewed as cultured and philosophical. Hell, they oftentimes were of an everyday guy that happened not to fuck people over. The sexual freak had a following that thought I was a strong, manly man that was that asshole-type of guy that girls seem to love, these days.

I never lied. I never mislead anyone. But for some reason, I separated myself. And that combo-blog was my attempt at bringing them together, while allowing my readers to continue to follow along with me. But all that did was make me pander myself to the audience. So about two years ago, I stopped. And I think I've kind of missed that venting that blog gave me. It was a nice, cathartic outlet for me to voice my thoughts.

And so, I submit to you, a new blog. A new blog that I hope will not cater to anyone else but me. I warn you, those of you who choose to follow. I warn you that there will be random and odd subjects. I warn you that there will be half-completed thoughts, since I'll know what I'm talking about and probably won't need to make full references for me to know what I'm saying.

So how about we take a little walk into the earlier chapters? I'm a puzzle already enough. How about I provide a little back story to try and help you understand me a little? How about we talk about my "family". You'll understand why I put that in quotations, later.

From the earliest that I can remember (around 5 years old or so) until I graduated from college, my mother made my life hell. Actually, to be accurate, she made our whole family's lives a living hell. Nobody was free from her wrath. My sister and my dad were in as much danger from her as I was. The only difference is that she openly said how much she hated me. Yes, I know, all of you are saying, "Oh, he's being over-dramatic." Nope.

Instead of just grounding me for not getting an A in 4^th grade, she'd yell at me and say how worthless I was… And then tell me to go get the bamboo stick. Oh, how I hated that fucking stick. If you didn't know, bamboo is one of the strongest plants in the world. That fucking stick never broke. So she'd use it on me over and over. I don't want to exaggerate, but I think I was beat with it on average of every three days. But if I was lonesome of the beatings, I ALWAYS had the yelling to keep me company.

When I was in high school, I lost myself in books. One of my former teachers in Germany (oh, did I forget to mention that my father was in the military and we lived in Germany for 7 years? Forgive me), introduced me into the world of fantasy in the 5^th grade. It first started with a Dungeons and Dragons book (which I didn't much care for). But then I read a book called Sojourn by R.A. Salvatore. I was hooked. I got lost in a J.R.R. Tolkien-like world. Except, unlike Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, the story was more about morality, sense of self and character. When Drizzt Do'Urden turned his back on his people and tried to live in a world of the just and innocent, his persecution due to his race spoke to me. I didn't have any racial problems. But nobody understood me at home or at school. I was an outcast trying to gain acceptance.

Yes, ANY kid can say that. And I can't lay claim to that any more than someone else. But I do know that the combination of just moving back to the US, while going through the transition of elementary school to junior high, in addition to my body keeping constant company with that fucking bamboo stick was not an easy thing for me.

In addition to those books, I lost myself in music. I was a bit confused at first, but I found my way. Metallica was my savior. To this day, it makes me move. Indirectly, Metallica made me find punk and alternative music. To this day, music is something that I need every day. I played in a cover band for a couple years, due to how I could lose myself in the music. I even got a tattoo of one of my favorite bands. More on the music I love in the near future…

Where was I? How about the social life? Nope. I had to beg to go to dances. And because I was such a fucking pathetic loser due to my mother not letting me have a social life, it was hard to get dates to those dances. Right up until I graduated, I only got to hang out with my school friends on average of about once a quarter. No exaggeration.

When I graduated high school, my father had just retired and got a job with the INS. He was in school in Georgia (ever federal agent or law enforcement officer has to go through a basic training there). I stood up to my mother late one night. I was talking on the phone to a girl that I wanted to ask out, when my mother barged in and started yelling that I didn't do anything that day. I snapped. So much anger and resentment from so many years boiled up to the surface.

She screamed at me and asked me what I had to say for myself. I started to speak, but she just started yelling again. When she reared her hand back to punch me (the fucking stick was downstairs) and I said in a quiet voice, "Go ahead and hit me. You don't know how to talk to me, anyway. You may as well hit me, since I can't talk to you." She just stood there. I think my sister would've been proud of me, if she were there (she'd escaped years before, by going to college and getting a good job).

I snapped inside. I stormed down the stairs and got that fucking bamboo stick and brought it back upstairs where I'd left her. She must've though I was going to hit her. Oh, one thing, the funny thing is that due to the fact that we were a semi-Asian family (Asian in biology, but as white as can be in regular life), the customs made her safe. You see, I was a black belt in two different martial arts. However, she knew I'd never hit her back.

Well, at that moment, she probably thought I was going to. But, what I actually did was start hitting myself. Yes, I went crazy. I hit my own arm, my legs, my stomach. Over and over. Hard as I could. Each hit, I'd scream something like, "Satisfied? Is this what you want?" And, like a fucking dramatic movie scene, one blow, I broke that fucking stick when I hit my forearm after so many self-inflicted blows to myself. After 10 plus years of that stick being swung at me from my mother, it broke when I hit myself.

Go fucking figure.

My mother just stood there through it all, looking at me as if I were a psycho kid (not that I blame her). I was breathing heavily, the adrenaline numbed any pain in my limbs. I finally turned around and went back into my room.

My mother never hit me again.

But it's not all bad like this, I swear. I'm capable of love and fun. Due to how fucked up my family is, I hold my friend's families even more dearly. They've become my family. And, surprisingly, every girlfriend I've ever had has told me that their parents love me to death. I still get emails or phone calls from some of their mothers every once in a while.

I think I'm going to try and look into moving. I'm thinking north Long Beach or Lakewood for work. Or Huntington Beach, because I used to love living there. I could stay in the South Bay, but I might be over the congestion.

Anyway, stay with me. Fun and odd posts will come in time. I'm just reminiscing. I had iTunes running and The Call of Ktulu, an instrumental by Metallica, came on and it made me think of my beginnings.

So I beg you, don't think of me too much of a loser yet. Judge me by the things that amuse me and the things that make me an idiot. Those posts will come. Stay with me.